I love you

Let's call her JoJo. Actually, I do call her that. Anyway, her question to me was, "you're just in love with her, aren't you" to which I said nothing and smiled and then we both sat a while laughing and comparing stories. Yes, it's true. Every mother loves their baby unconditionally and it shows when you speak of them. I absolutely love mine. Is that something that is announced? No. It just is and they just know as her name flows out of my mouth in answer to whatever question I am asked about her. It's also true that she makes me insanely bonkers some days and frustrated too, but it doesn't change that it is truly something that cannot be explained or described in words of any language. It just is what it is, in the best sense of its meaning, ya know?




















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Quality Time

Some days I just don't feel like there are enough hours in the day to spend the kind of time I want with her. Between work, dinner, dishes, the cleaning up, bath before bed - it doesn't leave a lot of time leftover for the snuggling or the bedtime stories before sleep and the guilt associated with that is enormous. In all honesty, some nights, I can't wait until she's asleep because the day has just been way too long. There's that word again - guilt. It'll kill you slowly. Lately, I've just been feeling like a crap parent. Not because I'm doing or not doing anything differently but more so because the kind of balance I am used to keeping has shifted a bit. I can watch her sleeping - this tiny little lump on her too large twin sized bed, butt up in the air, and I can feel my throat tighten and the tears threaten to flow - out of sheer love. I never knew the meaning of "tears of happiness". It sounds like a load of crap, doesn't it? Who cries because they're happy!? Well - it wasn't until I gave birth leading up to present day that it made total sense. I'm not exactly the emotional type, but even I can cry almost at will watching her. This impossibly strong willed, do it all myself, sweet, playful, funny, kid that I baked. It's hard to watch her and not feel the kind of love and contentment. This is what parenthood is and it's so easily forgotten through the routines, the bickering which has begun, the tantrums at times, but if you stop for even a moment to look over and really freeze in that moment, you realize that's really what it's about. Not the amount of time, but the small moments that catch your breath unexpectedly. The sweet smell of baby, the sweet moment that she lays her head on your shoulder, the way she comes to you as your running from one end of the house to the other with your various tasks at hand and says "mommy, I need help", the way she walks over to your bed as you vaguely hear her tiptoe-ing her way in as she snuggles up to your side saying, "wakey wakey mommy". It's moments like these that make your heart swell and sing.
























Even though you promised that you would walk, but still made me carry you all around the park, I am the luckiest mommy ever baby because I have you.
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Test Drive!

What do you do when you've exhausted every possible thing to do on an off day with your 2 year old?
















I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the photos were coming out all blurry. Turns out, little miss bean got her slimy juice filled fingers into the lens of my phone. That only took me 8 hours to figure out, by the way.

It was that kind of Sunday. Lazy, sunny, breezy.

Our first stop, of course, before the cars to be test driven:










That's right - frozen yogurt. With not one, but two spoons!

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Narcissism

I suppose it's normal for this age. It really is about "me" and "mine", but can I tell you just how crazy this actually makes me? My favorite under my breath grumbling to this selfish bratty remark is, "you're so lucky you're mine". Then another side of me occasionally finds it cute that she is differentiating between what is "mine" and "yours". At least she's doesn't try to keep what doesn't belong to her even if it seems she's rather territorial about what's hers.




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The Bean's Funnies

I used to read up on blogs where mommies would post up the funniest things their kids would say. The other day, it hit me that I'm there now. There are so many moments I want to freeze in time and most of them are because I am wishful that she won't lose the funny-isms of a 2 year old.

Pointing to a flock of geese: "Mommy! Toooo many chickens!"

Me: That's a goose baby.

Beanie: "no mommy. Thas bird! Bird ij chicken. Too many"

In traffic, one of those large trucks pass us and she says:

"oh mommy... Truck! Too much truck" shaking her little head.

On the way to daycare, we can see across the subway tracks and sometimes you can see the trains passing. It was stopped one morning on the tracks overhead and she exclaims:

"uh oh mommy - choo choo broken" in such a sad way only 2 year olds can muster.

I will leave you with this video. Don't worry, the camera is on front view and I'm just holding it but my attention is fully focused on the road ahead.

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Fun Days

I bitch about my days but even on my worst days, there are so many moments of it that make me want to freeze it in time because it really is so flawless. The best thing that has ever happened to me - is a human I baked. How is that not a miracle?
















Forgive us. We are not very cooperative lately in the photo taking department. I even threatened her with a time out (half in jest) to no avail. LE*SIGH

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Superpowers

When something isn't right with your baby or if she's sick or even when she falls - somehow in some way you feel entirely responsible. She falls? I should've caught her before it happened. She gets sick? Maybe she's not eating well enough or maybe it's not nutritional enough or maybe I forgot her vitamins a day or two this week. It truly comes with the territory and your child looking to you as a superhero and we all know superheroes have superpowers, right? We, as mommies, are sworn to kiss and fix all the ow-ees and all the boo boos. If only, baby... If only.




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Perfection?

Is what you define it to be. That's what my Sunday was. Imperfect perfection. Morning starts off wrong, miscommunications happen, but at the end of the day it turns into this




"these crackers are so good - I'm going to wear the crumbs on my head too!".
























"this is life".

It is indeed. This is my perfect life in all its imperfect glory, and while there are people we miss, places we've yet been to, things we've yet to do, there aren't many things I wish for that I don't already have.

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Lessons Learned from a Child

There really are some mornings when getting out the door that she truly tries my last inch of patience and it becomes one of those "OMG I hate mornings like this". I used to feel that mornings like this set the tone for the rest of the day where I remain in a sour mood. As she and I both get older, however, I'm learning that it doesn't necessarily have to be so. Children have a very short attention capacity so while she may be caught in the storm of one of her fits, she also let's go and forgives easily. While it is true that parents teach their little ones the rules of life, it's the little ones with the real lessons to teach. To let be sometimes, let go, love easy, smile, sing, and forgive easy because some things aren't worth ruining an entire day for because once the day is over, we never get it back. Yes, we walked out of the house in tears. Yes, mommy was scowling and baby had tears streaming down her face, but at drop off it was still "I love you - I love you too - see you later baby - bye mommy" and I am on the way to work lighter and with a spring in my step. My two year old is my greatest teacher.





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Balance Balance Balance

All about it. Most weeks I think are very well balanced. I love my Sundays with my little girl. With everyday stress balls of life happening, it's not always easy though. Days like yesterday, a lazy Sunday in bed until 11, all smiles and giggles, a late brunch outdoors, ice cream on the sidewalk - I love these Sundays.













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