Some days I just don't feel like there are enough hours in the day to spend the kind of time I want with her. Between work, dinner, dishes, the cleaning up, bath before bed - it doesn't leave a lot of time leftover for the snuggling or the bedtime stories before sleep and the guilt associated with that is enormous. In all honesty, some nights, I can't wait until she's asleep because the day has just been way too long. There's that word again - guilt. It'll kill you slowly. Lately, I've just been feeling like a crap parent. Not because I'm doing or not doing anything differently but more so because the kind of balance I am used to keeping has shifted a bit. I can watch her sleeping - this tiny little lump on her too large twin sized bed, butt up in the air, and I can feel my throat tighten and the tears threaten to flow - out of sheer love. I never knew the meaning of "tears of happiness". It sounds like a load of crap, doesn't it? Who cries because they're happy!? Well - it wasn't until I gave birth leading up to present day that it made total sense. I'm not exactly the emotional type, but even I can cry almost at will watching her. This impossibly strong willed, do it all myself, sweet, playful, funny, kid that I baked. It's hard to watch her and not feel the kind of love and contentment. This is what parenthood is and it's so easily forgotten through the routines, the bickering which has begun, the tantrums at times, but if you stop for even a moment to look over and really freeze in that moment, you realize that's really what it's about. Not the amount of time, but the small moments that catch your breath unexpectedly. The sweet smell of baby, the sweet moment that she lays her head on your shoulder, the way she comes to you as your running from one end of the house to the other with your various tasks at hand and says "mommy, I need help", the way she walks over to your bed as you vaguely hear her tiptoe-ing her way in as she snuggles up to your side saying, "wakey wakey mommy". It's moments like these that make your heart swell and sing.
Even though you promised that you would walk, but still made me carry you all around the park, I am the luckiest mommy ever baby because I have you. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone