Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Wrong Side?

When your kid wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, even if you haven't, it makes for one irritating and frustrating morning and it gets you started off on the wrong note just as well as if it were you who woke up that way. Then while you're trying not to lose your head on your doesn't know better kid, the mommy guilt rears its ugly little head taunting you and mocking you for being a crap parent, "she's only two for crying out loud", says it while that same two year old is hollering, "no no I dun want!" from the backseat of your car as I try my damnedest not to turn the car around to go back home and have myself a do-over. Is it really only 8:30 in the morning?!?

To soften it, here's the current monster baby in near pony tails. I love her slightly curled, super fine hair that just lightly coats the back of her neck - that I love to nuzzle when she's not trying to make me crazy












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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Wuss Dat, Mummy?

Oh my darling baby, I love you, you do know that don't you? But honey, there are some mornings where mommy just cannot answer that question more than 59 times before 9AM. It just isn't possible. Take it down a few notches, will ya?

Our morning commute conversation goes something like this (but much, much longer):

Beanie: "mommy, wuss dat?"

Me: "that's a car baby"

Beanie: "wuss dat?"

Me: "that's a flower, baby"

Beanie: "mommy wuss dat?"

Me: "sighhhh. That's a bus baby"

Beanie: "mommy -"

Me: "L - look! Look! A train!" (attempting to divert Beanie's attention)

Beanie: "mommy, train! Bye bye choo choo. Mommy mommy mommy, wuss dat?".

Le*sigh.... Hahahaha oh the things you love in life! As the lyrics go, "don't know what I did, to earn a love like this, but baby - I must be doin' something right".





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Sunday, May 20, 2012

Emotionally Charged

Every laugh, every happy tear shed, every regretful tear shed, hugs from old friends and new ones alike, it has been an emotional weekend. It is now Sunday. I am still catching up from Saturday, it seems and I don't know where today has gone. I have a ton to share. I just don't have the right words at the moment to make any sense out of the thoughts I have to do that. Here's a simplified version:

We love you auntie Na-Na.






















The end results were stunning and I would do it all over again. I am truly, truly happy for you and E. I know you'll be reading this and there is so much more I would want you to know, but it remains that I think the world of you.

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Thursday, May 17, 2012

A Note

To my perfect little girl:

You need to know and believe that if I could kiss away every hurt and make it better, I would; That if I could take on all the bad to leave you only the good, I would. There may come a time that mommy can't kiss all your boo-boos to make it better. There may come a time where so many things don't seem fair, but the good doesn't always come easy. It takes time, it takes work, and it takes good people to surround yourself with. It isn't something given, but something earned. And sometimes, sometimes through no fault of your own, plans don't always pan out the way you hoped or the way you wished. You will meet some amazing people to share your experiences with. You will meet those that will be a blessing to share your big, big heart with. There will also come a time you realize, not everyone is good and that not everyone wishes you kindly, and I hope that you grow into someone who is strong enough, confident enough, aware enough to understand that it is their loss and their misfortune to have missed out on what you have to offer because you are a delight in all your coy, bashful, sweet, loving and empathetic ways. I may be doing this all wrong and I wonder often if perhaps I am, but perfection is what I wish for you. Mommy is far from flawless. Quite the opposite in fact, but please know that I strive everyday in hopes that I can be good enough for this; good enough for you - to be able to give you everything you deserve and more and while I may never make it to perfection - I will forever strive to be better so that I may be good enough for you.

Love,
Your always grateful mommy.



I don't know why that photo is upside down, and I can't figure out how to turn it so you'll have to settle, folks.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Peek At The Future

Nights, after she's asleep, and it's quiet around the house is when I do the most pondering. That and cleaning. Usually both. Lately I've just been contemplating the next 2 to 5 to 10 years of my life. What will I be doing? Where will I be working? How much will I be making and what will it be worth a decade down the line? How do I maximize it? How do I grow from here? What is my capacity? What's my limit? I love my current company. It has been and is a great place for flexibility and leniency - something I feel I cannot be without as a parent. I also know many companies are not so family oriented and much less accommodating. With that said, there isn't any room for growth. I am what I am and I will always be just that because we are such a small firm. At the age I am now, it works very well. I'm not too young to be irresponsible about my job. I'm young enough to be quick to pick up on new systems to be efficient. But at 35? Or at age 40? There will be many younger after me willing to work for much less pay who have much less baggage. That's just a fact. Especially for women, you are and become something of a liability. Childbearing age is a liability. Age in itself is a liability. This brings me to the above noted questions - what can I do that can mean a little more security and a little more permanency than just a means to make a living. I want to make my own mark of sorts. For the Bean obviously, but for myself as well. I'm a mom. Not dead ya know?







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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 3

Happy Mommy's Day to all the super moms out there. That's right - all moms are super moms even if you suck at it. I know I do because it's the hardest damn job in the world to do. This about says it all:




But you know, it's one of the things in life that also makes me stronger and happier and extremely grateful. I say it often and it's because I feel it often - it truly is the biggest blessing in my life to have this little person call me mommy. It makes my heart soar and break and melt and tear all at the same time. It is my third Mother's Day and while I am still a rookie, I am a far different person I was those 3 years ago and there isn't one thing in this world I would trade for the heartbreak and hardship of motherhood. That one word "mommy" - defines my life. It defines me. It defines everything I wish to stand for and it magnifies everything I lack and strive to be. It isn't a day to be celebrated because Hallmark says so. It's my everyday simply because she exists. Yes - I bitch. I moan. I complain. I cry. I break and I vent but the core of it doesn't change. That I love every moment of her deliciousness and I'm beyond lucky that she chose me to call mommy.

(Liberty Science Center - check)
















(Fear Factor, anyone?)















(Crabhouse - check)




(3rd Mother's Day - check)












I owe a great deal of it to you, J - for bringing great people into my life to share it with and also the cutest little people too. For that, I am inclined to take your crap. Now forward over those pictures from Saturday thank you kindly (poor planning perhaps but in that the day has come and gone and the burnt out exhaustion of it dulled out - I'm not sure I'd have changed anything. Maybe a little less traffic would've been nice but it'll be a fond memory for me - for a long, long time to come).

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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Favoritest Toy Ever

The Bean got herself a nice little ride as a gift (for no reason or occasion because she's 2 and well, she's 2........) that her lazy little butt can sit in and pretend she's doing something to make it go except that's really what I'm doing for her. Some time back, I bought her one of those little yellow cars that were ridiculously difficult to put together for what's meant for a toddler. It was one of those Flinstone cars where she actually needs to use her little legs to make it move except we never did that because she always wanted the floorboard that came with it so I'd push her around the house with it. This one is awesomer because I don't have to be hunched down to make it go and we get to take it outside. I'm thinking I'm going to use this as a main stroller. I should've went for a car with more trunk space, yea?





This is her "C'mon let's get moving" face because I wanted to stop to take a picture of her. How dare I....








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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Oh Sweetness

Social maturity, I believe is the term some use. We're sitting down to eat dinner and she was happy and bubbly one minute, and the next thing I know, I'm looking down at her little mouth quivering, with tears glistening in her almond shaped eyes. I have no idea why the sudden sadness when I only walked away to get her a fork. I lean down and ask, "Baby, what's the matter? What happened?" and she points at the TV. On it is a little girl crying. She is reacting to the little girl's crying and welling up with tears in her own little eyes. I about squeezed the sweetness out of my little girl. It sounds rather insignificant now trying to verbally recapture a feeling, but it was one of those "had to be there" moments.




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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Ingrate

She's not at her 100%. She's tired, has explosive poopies but the kid is one super happy kid. It's been a crap day. In fact, it's been a pretty crap week but really, if I think about it, nothing is really all that bad, ya know? I've got some awesome friends, super bosses, a job that pays the bills and I can honestly say I'm quite a bit spoiled in other ways and just because I complain about the imperfections in my life doesn't mean I'm ungrateful for all the things that I do have. It just means that I'm blessed enough to have such complaints. Like right now, I'm annoyed that I have no dial tone because my cable company sucks.

Beanie,








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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

"Excuse Me Sir, Do You Have Any Children?"

"Oh no? I didn't think so".

One of my biggest appreciations in life as a parent is constructive criticism when asked for it. It allows me to be a better parent to hear a different perspective if what I am doing doesn't seem to be working. However, my biggest annoyances in life as a parent come from strangers who probably don't have the slightest clue as to what raising a toddler is like who feel so inclined to point fingers and judge and "I would never xyz if that were my kid" comments until they've worked themselves up. She's not yours so now's probably a good time to shut up, is usually the gist of my response to people like that.

I get on the train to go collect my baby and head for home after a rather long day of work. There is a mom who takes that same train with a daughter of about 4 years old. I'll call her "Mini". Now don't get me wrong - kids are naturally loud, cute and annoying - seemingly at the same time, they don't always listen to you. They're sweet and cuddly but obnoxious and rotten at times too. You don't always think so when it's your own and when you do, it's much more tolerable simply because she's yours. The mom and the daughter get off at the same stop as I do and so we've grown friendly over the course of the last few months. Enough that I play with her daughter on the train, bring little goodies, carry her down the stairs, and the likes. Like adults - kids also have good days and bad days. Today was a not so good one for Mini and so she was admittedly a little bratty and fussy. I can see why passengers would be annoyed by it. Rightfully so. It's as said, it's not as aggravating when it's your own kid and it's more than understandable that you would be unhappy to have to listen to this during your commute. If your own kid annoys you and makes your ears bleed, can you just imagine what others feel during those ever maddening tantrums? Anyway - back to the topic at hand - it's true that this mom is a bit on the lenient side so I can understand some of the frustrated looks we get from time to time but it's her kid and you know what, kudos to her on that count alone - The fact that she's on a train with her kid shuffling to and from work everyday. So I lean down and say to Mini, "if you're nice to your mommy, I'll carry you down again but only if you're gonna be nice ok?" and she happily complies. A man we hadn't even noticed sitting there unexpectedly says in such a tone, "Oh look at that. She got her way". Mini's mom and I look at eachother slightly wide-eyed. He further adds, "you know that kids are very manipulative, don't you - ::insert diatribe::" and looks at Mini, who is now resting in my arms, with an expression dangerously close to disapproval. Mini is about the only thing that saved his ass from a verbal kick in the nuts that would have lasted much longer than "preach when you have your own and you can teach the rest of us parents how you've perfected it" in the sweetest voice I could bring myself to muster while all I really wanted to do was give him the finger and tell him to go _ _ _ _ himself. Folks, try to rein in your "I'd never let my kid ---" comments to yourselves if you don't actually have any kids. If, however, you do and you've figured out exactly how to perfect your always well behaved children, please share your knowledge without judgment and teach me the ways because mine won't be quiet. Like ever.

"Dear Sir - Being a parent to a child of any age is hard - so please, spare me your a$$hole-ism. It's uncalled for and unnecessary and it's ironic because I'm sure your mother taught you better manners than to lack verbal filter. Was it just one of the things that you weren't paying attention to as you got older? I guess I should be more understanding. I try to teach my daughter the same and it doesn't always work either. But she is loads cuter than you are and thus easier to forgive for such rudeness. She's also 2 and has an excuse for being incorrigible and unfiltered. Even though it wasn't directed at my kid - I still think you're an ass for meddling when we were getting off the damn train and would've been out of your hair anyway - had you not been bald, of course. I hope the rest of your commute sucked."








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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Moments

Some delicious moments are as your baby lays on your chest breathing in and out without a care in the world as you wonder what it is they think about and what beautiful things they may be dreaming of. I wish upon wish that she dreams of only the beauty and pretty little things in life - always. I savor the deliciousness of a sleeping baby curled up into me and I can freeze that moment in my mind and feel it to my core.





Then she wakes and there's this thought:




From the looks like this that I get when I'm trying to take a picture of her smiling face








I love you, Brat.
It's just as my friend said in response to my text of the sleeping pic "Yep, i'm learning to enjoy this moment. I'm trying to in between the pooping and the crying". I couldn't have said it better myself.
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