Perfecting Imperfection

How ironic. My last post should actually have been inserted here - it would've been a pretty perfect fit. Except I didn't know what was to come and the guilt that was expressed there had zero to do with the guilt that I apparently should have been feeling today. The guilt expressed previously is of my own shortcomings and not being able to deliver the things I do not understand fully or know anything about - that perhaps I should. Not because I am guilty of actually doing or not doing something. In short, I've learned to compartmentalize most of everything in the last 14 and a half months. The husband will throw around comments such as "remarkable self restraint" and the like, but he is also the person who reminds me that I am usually the "bad" parent. Ya know? If that means she will not grow up to be a self absorbed brat that goes around biting, kicking and smacking other kids in the face and thinking it's okay and even funny, or not understanding that she can't always get what she wants when she wants it, then so be the "bad" parent. Being labeled the "bad" one isn't a result of anything other than the fact that she is learning to press buttons and to press them hard and my attempts of trying to correct this behavior. Without living in my reality daily, there's no way for anyone else to know this and it must sound as though I am simply mean. There's also no way for anyone to know that I play, snuggle, kiss and dote on her as much, and more, than I reprimand her. Why? There's noone here to see that either. It's true that I am always sleep deprived. I am generally almost always hungry too. I also have headaches rather frequently. That is all secondary to what my baby needs - always. Do I struggle with it? Sure and because it's a struggle some days, I am very sensitive and mindful of it and much more careful when I know it's going to be a rough day. Is it always successful? That depends on who you're asking, but I'm confident enough to say that I have yet to lose my cool with her solely because I'm cranky. It's nothing close to being easy, but I'm far from throwing myself a pity party over it. Because of days like today, there are times I have an urge to not reprimand her for doing something she shouldn't be doing when there's someone else around, but that would just be an easy cop out. I haven't done a great job of anything but I did turn out a happy baby and that to me means the world. I'm not a perfect mom. Nor will I ever be. But I won't stop to strive for it and I will never pretend to be it. However far below perfect as I may be, I will never stop doing what I feel is right or good for her just because others are quick to point fingers, judge, question, criticize and differ in their opinions. I may not always be right, I will always second guess myself as well as be second guessed by others regularly, I will always be in search for the perfect answer and I will continue making mistakes and continue learning from them as well (hopefully anyway), but I'll always choose what I feel is best over my fears of what others may think or say. If I had to keep a list of my top priorities, at the very top will be "for her to know know she is loved in every sense of the word - at all times". A village is not necessary to raise a child. It helps, but isn't required. If you have one that works well, it's a great thing. If we attempted to raise Jellybean in our "village" of mish mashed folks, life would be far worse, and far more difficult. Sure, it would be nice to have someone else change her diaper every now and again, but I'll take mental sanity and emotional well-being versus forking over diaper duties any day. Every so often there's a cloud of doubt that someone puts over your head whether it be some random lady at the grocery store, the parents, a spouse or even a friend, and while it helps to reassess a situation, it's good to be able to take a step back and still see what you first saw when you step forward again. It's nice to know that you're not actually doing everything all wrong. I don't have bad days often. Bad moments, yes, and even those moments are few and far apart lately, and are also very short lived. In that sense, I suppose I'm a pretty content person all in all, even if not a constantly happy one (because that would just be weird) and that makes me lucky. You can't have just good days everyday (because that would be even weird-er) right?

Setting The Bar

While she is admittedly a pretty happy baby, I watch her sleep some nights and can't help but wonder if I am doing something wrong or maybe not enough. Could I be failing her in some way that I am not fully aware of? I know she knows she's so absolutely loved, but "what if"? I feel waves of this sudden rising of guilt when I least expect it. Not often, but some nights, there is a nagging feeling somewhere in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach that I am not doing enough. That I am not enough... And it takes all I have to keep from scooping her up and cradling her just to watch the rise and fall of her breath and whisper that I am sorry and not quite know what for.


- Posted using BlogPress

The Future

Even though right before taking this picture, she was actually chewing on my keyboard, she looks as though she's in super concentration mode, yes?








- Posted using BlogPress

Spoiled

When is too much, too much and not enough, well, not enough? It's no big secret that the Jellybean is --- to say the least --- privileged. She doesn't realize it because this is what she knows. It's what she was born into. We are far from filthy rich and we still need to be mindful of how much we spend and what we spend on. Our credit card bill this month pretty much sums that last bit up. I am far from frugal, but do try to keep in mind what I buy and the cost of buying what we need and where to find the cheapest price tag for what I'm buying. BUT, and a big one, I also love me my convenience and that alone is not an inexpensive cost. Anyhoots, back to my point of what it means to spoil your kid. I'm guilty of this in all ways and in all directions. I'm not talking about babying her and rocking her to sleep or never saying "no" and never disciplining her because it's quite the opposite in that sense. She does not get to eat if she's not sitting down. I won't feed her until she is flat on her bum on the floor or in a chair even if that means she's bawling and pouting and snuggling her pitiful little sobs into my chest. Anything she throws, she goes and picks it up to put it back herself almost all the time. We sing the "clean up" song when she's done playing (it's a Gymboree thing) and she knows to pick up whatever it is and put it back in the box, the drawer or what have you. Now she's still a baby and so it doesn't work one hundred percent of the time, but it works and when it doesn't, I scold her and she will do it. Albeit unhappily and maybe even tearfully, but she'll do it and then applaud herself by clapping or grinning back at me. She also brings me her bottle or sippy cup when she's done with it because she knows if it spills on the floor, she will be in trouble. She also does the "no no no" thing where she wags her little finger when she sees something I don't let her play with so the kiddy KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS, but she's a kid and naturally she does test her boundaries daily. I spoil her in a sense that she has everything and more and then some and this is where I wonder "how much is too much?". Just because there are kids out there that do not have enough toys or clothes or trinkets and gadgets, I don't feel the need to deprive the Jellybean of the finer things in life (to a degree, anyway) and by finer I mean, I pick up a toy for her if I happen to walk by a store and see something that I think can buy me some peace in the house for a week before she tires of it. She has hair clips that cost more than two Venti Cappuccinos from Starbucks that she loses almost daily (which is why I opted to start making my own!) and while some may view it as excessive, I don't necessarily feel that's the case. I will gladly forego a trip or ten to Starbucks to buy her that hairclip or I'll pass on eating out for lunch to buy her that activity table she no longer plays with but had a ball with for a week and only occasionally takes a jab at as she's walking past it now. For a while, I was pretty set and I actually honestly didn't buy her ANY toys for the very reason that kids have the attention span of Dory (refer to 'Finding Nemo'), but it's hard not to because you know that stupid piece of plastic is going to keep you sane for the next 168 hours. It's not a serious matter or concern at this very moment because she doesn't really know what it means to be materialistically spoiled, but she will soon enough and it's my job to teach her that not everything can be bought and that just because it can be doesn't mean that she can have it. I think I should start now. It's not like I'm out LOOKING for things to buy her constantly, but if I see something that I feel can be beneficial to me (and a little bit for her) I'll come home with it and that just may not be the right kind of message, ya know? I think the credit cards (and the husband) will thank me for this. So tell me, what do people do with their kids when it's still cold out and you're tired of being the bouncy mat? How is something so small capable of driving you nuts and keeping you sane at the same time?




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Messies

This


is the mess I created in order to make


because I tired of having to pay someone to replace every clip we lost on an almost daily basis. I must say, however, that I have a new found respect for crafty people. Just ten clips later, my finger tips are sticky and I am cross-eyed. But it is a little fun. Not tons, but a little. Would YOU like a hair clip? Or two? Or more? =) - Posted using BlogPress

Mommy, I Help

And this is the result of a little someone "helping" sort the mail.


- Posted using BlogPress

Tickle Me Happy

Today was date night. And by date night I mean date night for all three of us. Our funny little family enjoying a rare dinner out at a restaurant - together. Even the Jellybean seemed to know it, as happy as she was, that it was a treat. I saw her gradually getting tired - pulling her hair, excessively drooling, rubbing her face and all but trying to pull her eyelashes out as we waited to be served - and still she was full of smiles and flirted with everyone surrounding our table without so much as a whine or tantrum brewing as it often does when she's getting too tired. It was a good night. Not because it was anything spectacular, and let's face it, date night with a baby isn't the most romantical thing to do in the world. In fact, it's probably the farthest thing by definition of the word 'romance' itself, but whaddaya know, I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides that, neither I or Husband have the super cutesy, lovey romantical genes to begin with anyway. Please excuse the quality, or rather, the lack thereof. It was dark in there (Cubana in Forest Hills - super yummers, by the way) and she squirms quite a bit so it's grainy, but the silly smiles and funny faces were genuinely from just having the happies.














- Posted using BlogPress

Swiff Swiff

Before you start blasting me with hurtful comments like "OMG, Val, your OCD is going to ---" and the like (yeah, Amy, I mean you) I didn't make her do anything. She snatched the thing away and insisted on using the handle part so I even had to shorten it for her and snap one of the metal tubes off. How she knows that's what you're supposed to do with it is beyond me. Kids seem to "get it" without being taught. Anyway, we were blowing bubbles and I had to mop up the soap off the floor. I prefer the steamer, but it gets hot and I get scared of using it when she's around because I am afraid she'll burn herself. So watch without judgment.




and of course, all that cleaning turns into

"Whassa mattuh mommy?"

She doesn't actually really eat much of the jar food anymore unless it's just vegetables (oddly enough) because she likes to make me work so what better way to use it up than to practice feeding her highness self....

Ouch!

And she was having such a good morning.


That's a result of the dresser meeting her forehead because her highness has no patience. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Her Majesty

Must be nice to be THE baby. She gets a manicure as she peacefully naps her morning away.





Forgive all the pink. Whaddaya gonna do? She's a pink kinda gal. ;) - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone