Every Breath

Up. Down. Up. Down. Just listening to her breath rise and fall as she sleeps, calms me and motivates me.
























There's nothing in this world that I would trade our night time sillies for. I melt for this girl.

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Growing Up

Since the Bean's been born, she's grown. But through her, I've grown as well. I've learned lessons I never knew I needed. I've learned love in a form that I had never known before. I've learned to pick my battles, and to loosen up on others. I've learned that through her, life is a series of ongoing lessons taught by someone the length of my leg, who speaks only a few words, but has the most precious of gifts to share. She's taught me the worth of forgiving. She's taught me the value of things in the moment. She s taught me that through the hardest of times, the little gifts that remain are what gets you through the hardships in life. In the near 26 months that I've been a momma, I have made some enormous changes internally. The first year of her life, I was too busy figuring out how to just be a mom. Scheduling feedings, naptimes, and night-time routines, worrying about over-stimulation? Not enough stimulation? Feeding her too much? Was she not eating enough? Is her weight gain normal? Is she growing at a normal pace? Was she developing at a normal pace? I spent my days working around what she would need and when she'd need it. Come the first half of the second year, I'd fallen in place of routine just enough to be okay if she slept a little later, or if we had an event to attend around the time her nap time is supposed to be. The latter half of the year, was all about balance. Balancing me, our life, my time with her, my time at home, and through it I've realized, you don't love anyone any less because you need your time to "refuel". It just means you have that much more to give. It's okay if not every aspect of her childhood is within your control. It just means I can only do the best I can to prepare her for all the steps that she will inevitably take - as she did from babyhood to toddlerhood. It'll be from toddlerhood, to child, and I'm not failing because I can't control everything good and bad for her. I'm just doing what I can do and as long as that's my best and I strive only to be the best momma, the rest is left in the hands of fate, in faith, and in hope. Most importantly, the only way to be at your best, is to give yourself the best and that can only come from within. Yeap, these are the lessons taught by the little person who picks fights with me over a handheld vacuum cleaner. She's really getting this eye roll thing down, and honestly, half the time I laugh and the other half just comes out in a half sigh. She's a girl. It's something she was born with.

and then there are faces like this, that I die for

Writer's Block?

That's what I called it when one of my best buds asked why I haven't been updating as often? Anyone who knows me knows that I love to write. I'm not particularly good at it. It's just something I've always enjoyed. Anyway, to his question I responded that I had writer's block. He advised me to go back to the beginning to read some of my earlier posts. As I did, I realized the point he was making. It's not writer's block because most of the things written were of the feelings I had in the moment, my experiences as a first time mom, the trials, the hardships, but also the near perfect moments of being a mommy so I promised I'd try to start it up again. Truth is, it's been a rough year and a half. Writer's block may have been part of it, but it was also that there were and are a lot of things I wasn't quite ready to share with not just what went up publicly, but with anyone at all - including my closest friends. And in my attempt to "hide" parts of my life - I stopped writing about my days entirely. Well, I'm back. This was started as a way to reflect back as a new mommy and I'm still learning which means I should still have a life to write about. I'll start. Uhm. Tomorrow.




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Happy Monday!

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Thinking About It

I guess she considered waking up and getting off the bed and fell asleep before she could decide.






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One Day

She will call me mom instead of mommy. She will go off to school and be embarrassed by my "I love you"-s. She won't kiss me back and hugs will be seldom. She will fight for her independence and she won't need me to kiss her ouchies to make them better. I think about the probabilities and I want her to fly and soar as high as her wings will allow and discover everything wonderful and all the things that aren't that leaves her appreciating the wonderful things surrounding her when she sees and feels them. Even if they break my heart because I won't be able to fix all things imperfect for her.











For now, however, all I see are the grand possibilities for her and while watching her grow into this whole other person tugs at my heart strings more often than not because I wish I had the ability to stall time for my own selfish reasons, I'm excited to hear her speak, put words together that she didn't know even a month ago, work on puzzles, cop up an attitude, get stubborn for the things she absolutely must have and I take comfort in the fact that at age 2, at 12, at 20 - in some way, no matter what her age, she will always remain my baby - if not A baby.

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Happy Birthday

My baby turns 2 at the end of the month. We threw her a party early which seems to be unavoidable due to the holidays, but she doesn't seem to mind it one bit. In fact, I think she enjoyed it immensely. What's not to love? Run to her heart's content without mommy yelling "stop you're gonna get ouch!" every 5 minutes. Pizza. Cake. The works. It doesn't feel as though it's been a full year since we celebrated her first birthday... You are the one best thing in my life and don't you ever forget it! I love you so much, my heart aches.

















Thank you guys all for joining us! She had so much fun, she's actually snoring as I'm typing this. - Posted using BlogPress

Discovering New Things

We have discovered stickers. They have invaded everything.

















Yes baby. Mommy is as proud of you as you are of yourself for discovering such new exciting ways of making bigger messes. They're fun aren't they? - Posted using BlogPress

The ABC Song

Please excuse my singing voice. Just ignore me but watch to the end. It's pretty darn funny.

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Fried

Over the weekend, Beanie felt the need to bathe my phone. Maybe it looked dirty to her. I should've taken a photo of it, but I was too shocked and rushed to save a phone that was probably not going to make it anyway and well, my phone is really what I use as a camera on a daily basis for things like this. It's fried. I didn't even have the heart to yell at her. She thought the phone was dirty. I mean really, what can you possibly do? So I took away the cup of water, dried up my phone in a bowl full of rice because I heard somewhere it soaks up the water that remains in the device, took a long deep sigh, sat down beside her and we ate yogurt with cheerios for breakfast. If I called you some time today, please understand that it's on voice control by itself so it turns on or calls whatever it thinks it's hearing. I get in about 3 text messages before it shuts off and reboots itself. Jen, I think it was something like 6am your time when I left you a voicemail of the TV talking in the background. I didn't know my phone was calling random people down my list. Whoops! I'd post up a photo, but I have nothing to retract any new photos from at the moment. This will just have to hold you over until my new phone comes in. Which by the way is supposed to be here tomorrow except noone will be here to sign for it. Cheers to all the toddler handlers out there! BIG. FAT. SIGH. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad