and then there are faces like this, that I die for
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Since the Bean's been born, she's grown. But through her, I've grown as well. I've learned lessons I never knew I needed. I've learned love in a form that I had never known before. I've learned to pick my battles, and to loosen up on others. I've learned that through her, life is a series of ongoing lessons taught by someone the length of my leg, who speaks only a few words, but has the most precious of gifts to share. She's taught me the worth of forgiving. She's taught me the value of things in the moment. She s taught me that through the hardest of times, the little gifts that remain are what gets you through the hardships in life. In the near 26 months that I've been a momma, I have made some enormous changes internally. The first year of her life, I was too busy figuring out how to just be a mom. Scheduling feedings, naptimes, and night-time routines, worrying about over-stimulation? Not enough stimulation? Feeding her too much? Was she not eating enough? Is her weight gain normal? Is she growing at a normal pace? Was she developing at a normal pace? I spent my days working around what she would need and when she'd need it. Come the first half of the second year, I'd fallen in place of routine just enough to be okay if she slept a little later, or if we had an event to attend around the time her nap time is supposed to be. The latter half of the year, was all about balance. Balancing me, our life, my time with her, my time at home, and through it I've realized, you don't love anyone any less because you need your time to "refuel". It just means you have that much more to give. It's okay if not every aspect of her childhood is within your control. It just means I can only do the best I can to prepare her for all the steps that she will inevitably take - as she did from babyhood to toddlerhood. It'll be from toddlerhood, to child, and I'm not failing because I can't control everything good and bad for her. I'm just doing what I can do and as long as that's my best and I strive only to be the best momma, the rest is left in the hands of fate, in faith, and in hope. Most importantly, the only way to be at your best, is to give yourself the best and that can only come from within. Yeap, these are the lessons taught by the little person who picks fights with me over a handheld vacuum cleaner. She's really getting this eye roll thing down, and honestly, half the time I laugh and the other half just comes out in a half sigh. She's a girl. It's something she was born with.