As Squirmy's 100th day and baptism approaches with a list of people we need to invite, I think back to the start of how all this began. Our wedding. While it was short and rather sweet with a small group of people, in hindsight, if I knew then how I would feel about it years later, I would have done it so differently and stood my ground. At the start of the planning, we counted about a hundred people. Approximately 40 on my side and the rest on the hub's side, give or take a dozen folks. The day of, we ended up with 12 on my side and close to 45 on his. We personally knew maybe 25 of those people - 5 of them children under the age of 4. At the church, I noticed and didn't much care because I was just really cold in a backless gown and wanted to curse out my photographer for making me stand outside to satisfy his picture taking skills when all I wanted to do was move on to the reception so I can eat and warm up. It was November and it was FREEEEZING out. At the reception, however, I remember looking out to the two corner tables and feeling a little lonely. I tired of having to re-do the list over for what seemed like the hundredth time, so I threw it away to make life easier for everyone - else - it turned out to be. This was long before I was expecting Squirmy but I remember thinking, for my child, I was going to make his or her days, ALL ABOUT THEM. Now that she is here, I stand by that. Understandably, with all celebrations comes a social obligation to invite certain people, but it should not outnumber the people who are not "obligations". Any celebration - be it her birthday, baptism, her 100th day - she should be surrounded by people who love her, who will remain constant in her life, not strangers. 80% of the people at our wedding? Neither of us knew them. They didn't know us. In fact, we received checks with the "Pay To" areas blank because they didn't know our names. Why were they there? We never met them, never knew their names, have yet to meet them since (they obviously never received thank you cards from us because well, where would we have sent it to?). I look back and my biggest regret is that I didn't fight hard enough to share what should have been one of the most memorable days with the people I wanted there and the majority of the people we did share it with, we wouldn't even recognize if we ran into them in the street now. Social obligation. Not even our own. My Squirmy's special days, they're going to be filled with people who will stay in her life to guide her, teach her, and love her. People she will grow to know and recognize. What I wasn't willing to fight over, for myself (because it was just mentally painful), I am willing to for her because she should never have to look out into a field of people and not feel secure and happy and have that to remember.
My big baby on the left and the little one on the right. Literally. My life.
[On a side note, I really, really, really wish I could fall asleep. This. Just. Sucks. Any insomnia fixers out there? -SIGH-]