Change

You hear all the time, "A baby changes everything", and most people will nod and respond, "well, of course". I don't think I ever really understood what e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g meant until baby actually came home with us and I realized, you can never turn back time (NOT THAT I WOULD!) to unchange anything. EVER. Most things have changed for the best, some changes haven't really touched me (us) much at all, and very few for the worst. Fears, for example, compiled in two forms: Rational and Irrational. I am DEATHLY afraid of clowns. Irrational. It's really a human behind those ridiculous costumes (RIGHT???). Something like 6, 7, 8 years ago, some of my friends back then who knew of my fear of those colorful, demented looking creature costumes thought it would be hilarious to scare my sleep deprived from 18-hour days, sick with the worst kind of flu during Christmas, self. I broke down, fell on the floor and sobbed. Seriously. I am not much the crying type, but clowns get to me (if anyone reading this is having funny thoughts to appear on my doorstep in a clown suit, you will permanently be on my crap list and I will hate you forever). While I still hate clowns and anything with a human face form that isn't human, the fear of things you watch on the news, the fear of your child falling ill, the fear of your child possibly getting hurt - those fears are more than rational and almost paralyzing. Happier changes are that I love the color pink. I still don't like it on myself, but it took having a daughter to love the color. I love frilly little lacy dresses too. I used to eat Twix and Snicker bars for breakfast. I very much dislike chocolate now. I used to drink up to 12 cups of coffee a day. Not for the caffeine because it did nothing for me, but I just loved coffee. I gulp down a cup in the mornings now for the kick, but find it bitter and pretty gross for the most part. I don't eat. Correction, I forget to eat. I used to eat as much, sometimes more than, my husband who outweighs me by an extra person. As my best friend so kindly put it, "Who are you? I don't know you anymore...". I swear less. Probably because there's nothing to curse about as much since I don't work and that was my biggest source of reason. I don't have any co-workers to curse out anymore. Also because even if I drop something, I don't want her hearing mommy yelling "Oh Sh*t!". I definitely curse less. If I do, they're silent and to myself. Sometimes the husband when I'm mad at him. Just kidding, honey! Really. Ha? Ha? I jest. Honest! He's a great husband and father, folks. Okay. Digging. Grave. Getting deeper now, so... moving on. Sleep was my greatest getaway. I have insomnia now and I am less tired when I sleep less than if I were to get a full night's rest. Full night being a very relative term for an insomniac (does that make sense to anyone?). Time to time, I miss being able to run out on a whim without making 3 trips to load the car with diaper bag, baby bottles, and baby loaded into her carseat, but the tradeoff is that I have this mini person in the backseat staring at all the wonders going by coo-ing and babbling at the sky, the trees and everything else so new to her. I also miss having a husband. Many nights, I actually feel like we're roommates, but the tradeoff is the sense of belonging and a connection I think only a baby can make a couple feel. I also don't cut people off on the roads anymore which is a big deal for me because I alone drive like an angry boy without even realizing it most of the time (I blame it on New York). In short, having a baby helps me try harder to be a better, nicer person. Leah has been an easy baby. At 8 weeks, she started sleeping anywhere from 8-13 hours. At almost 12 weeks now, she sleeps from 7PM to 7-8AM. She doesn't cry unless she wants a bottle or is sleepy. Don't get me wrong, we have some rough days too and to get her to sleep the way she does took several nights of protest and buckets full of tears, but I think it's because she's a good baby that she fell into a night routine so quickly - not because I actually did anything. The days are a bit more energy draining than the nights because she is much more demanding of attention and she does not nap, but I think she's an overall very easy child. While I count my blessings, sometimes I am scared that I got so lucky. That falls into one of my big fears. I haven't quite figured out if it's an irrational fear or a rational one. I've always believed that nothing comes easy and so far it has been. I am a realist. Something the hubs calls "pessimistic". I guess I wait for the sky to fall more often than not and busy myself with worry about when it will fall so that I'm always prepared, instead of enjoying what is for what it is. That has definitely changed for the worst. I also have serious separation anxiety issues. I've become one of those psycho moms I was so sure I would not become.

She's mine! All mine!!!