Toddler-ism

She says a lot of funny things now. Most of it doesn't make a whole lot of sense except probably to her. My favorite is "help you". She confuses "me" and "you". So she'll try to put her shoes on and when she can't she'll pout, look over at me and say "Mommy? Help you?" or like this morning I'm getting dressed while she's trying to put her hat on. It keeps flipping inside out so she gets mad and starts crying, comes over to me to be picked up and cries "Help you mommy? Hat!". This little girl kills me. Oh motherhood. Being a toddler, I realize, is just as rough, maybe more so - than motherhood to a toddler is. It's all momentary, however, and when the fits are over and kissed all better - there's always this that makes up for it. You'll get your shoes on right one day, baby. Your hat too. Don't you worry.




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Color

Don't ever let anyone tell you that adults know best or that they know better or that they know what they're doing. Most of the time, I'm near certain we know less than you do. I think you are much more sure of how things should be than any grown person I know. You're still so small yet so big. You're dependent and you're not. You're full of fire, but so easy to love. You are a lot of things, baby, but most of all, you're perfect for me. Life is full of colors and messes - just like finger painting. Sometimes all the colors blend to form that perfect shade and other times, it just creates a big glob of mess. Like paint, nothing is set in stone, and until you find that perfect shade, in that perfect shape you want, all you can do is keep trying for it. Perhaps you'll make it. Perhaps it'll be a few shades off. As long as you've given it your best, it'll be beautiful. It's so easy to say this to you because all I picture for you are the greatest things in life in all its glorious colors - but should there come a time that not everything looks as though they fit, please try to believe that eventually they will come together. It's about faith baby. That things somehow work. Even when it doesn't immediately feel that way. Mommy isn't so good at it but we'll work on that, right? So remember that the next time it feels like your little world is coming apart on the way home in the backseat of mommy's car because I didn't give you the piece of candy I didn't have, okay? I love you to pieces, munchkin. Tantrums, giggles and all (though, tuning the tantrum part down while mommy's driving would be super appreciated).
















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Things That Make You Go "Hmmm"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html

That's a super interesting read.

And look, she can almost do a ponytail. Almost...



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D.I.Y.

I dont know how true this is, but I've heard often that girls start off with the independence thing much faster than boys do. I don't know what it's like to have a son obviously but for her, she was never very advanced in terms of speaking. In fact, I was starting to get quite concerned until one day she came home just talking. Gibberish with actual words threw in and since then, she surprises me with a new word and full phrases each day. But she definitely was quick in terms of balance and just "getting it". We are currently at a "I can do it myself" phase. We've been at this phase for well, ever, it seems. It's frustrating to no end when we're pressed for time and little-miss-do-it-myself is busy trying to get her own shoes on. On the wrong feet. Or she starts to have a mini melt down bc she can't fully get how the zipper on her jacket works. Wearing her sunglasses, albeit, upside down - But when she gets it, the pride in herself is unmistakable and it's worth being a little late to get out the door. I just have to remind myself of it when it's actually happening.













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Every Breath

Up. Down. Up. Down. Just listening to her breath rise and fall as she sleeps, calms me and motivates me.
























There's nothing in this world that I would trade our night time sillies for. I melt for this girl.

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Growing Up

Since the Bean's been born, she's grown. But through her, I've grown as well. I've learned lessons I never knew I needed. I've learned love in a form that I had never known before. I've learned to pick my battles, and to loosen up on others. I've learned that through her, life is a series of ongoing lessons taught by someone the length of my leg, who speaks only a few words, but has the most precious of gifts to share. She's taught me the worth of forgiving. She's taught me the value of things in the moment. She s taught me that through the hardest of times, the little gifts that remain are what gets you through the hardships in life. In the near 26 months that I've been a momma, I have made some enormous changes internally. The first year of her life, I was too busy figuring out how to just be a mom. Scheduling feedings, naptimes, and night-time routines, worrying about over-stimulation? Not enough stimulation? Feeding her too much? Was she not eating enough? Is her weight gain normal? Is she growing at a normal pace? Was she developing at a normal pace? I spent my days working around what she would need and when she'd need it. Come the first half of the second year, I'd fallen in place of routine just enough to be okay if she slept a little later, or if we had an event to attend around the time her nap time is supposed to be. The latter half of the year, was all about balance. Balancing me, our life, my time with her, my time at home, and through it I've realized, you don't love anyone any less because you need your time to "refuel". It just means you have that much more to give. It's okay if not every aspect of her childhood is within your control. It just means I can only do the best I can to prepare her for all the steps that she will inevitably take - as she did from babyhood to toddlerhood. It'll be from toddlerhood, to child, and I'm not failing because I can't control everything good and bad for her. I'm just doing what I can do and as long as that's my best and I strive only to be the best momma, the rest is left in the hands of fate, in faith, and in hope. Most importantly, the only way to be at your best, is to give yourself the best and that can only come from within. Yeap, these are the lessons taught by the little person who picks fights with me over a handheld vacuum cleaner. She's really getting this eye roll thing down, and honestly, half the time I laugh and the other half just comes out in a half sigh. She's a girl. It's something she was born with.

and then there are faces like this, that I die for

Writer's Block?

That's what I called it when one of my best buds asked why I haven't been updating as often? Anyone who knows me knows that I love to write. I'm not particularly good at it. It's just something I've always enjoyed. Anyway, to his question I responded that I had writer's block. He advised me to go back to the beginning to read some of my earlier posts. As I did, I realized the point he was making. It's not writer's block because most of the things written were of the feelings I had in the moment, my experiences as a first time mom, the trials, the hardships, but also the near perfect moments of being a mommy so I promised I'd try to start it up again. Truth is, it's been a rough year and a half. Writer's block may have been part of it, but it was also that there were and are a lot of things I wasn't quite ready to share with not just what went up publicly, but with anyone at all - including my closest friends. And in my attempt to "hide" parts of my life - I stopped writing about my days entirely. Well, I'm back. This was started as a way to reflect back as a new mommy and I'm still learning which means I should still have a life to write about. I'll start. Uhm. Tomorrow.




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Happy Monday!

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Thinking About It

I guess she considered waking up and getting off the bed and fell asleep before she could decide.






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One Day

She will call me mom instead of mommy. She will go off to school and be embarrassed by my "I love you"-s. She won't kiss me back and hugs will be seldom. She will fight for her independence and she won't need me to kiss her ouchies to make them better. I think about the probabilities and I want her to fly and soar as high as her wings will allow and discover everything wonderful and all the things that aren't that leaves her appreciating the wonderful things surrounding her when she sees and feels them. Even if they break my heart because I won't be able to fix all things imperfect for her.











For now, however, all I see are the grand possibilities for her and while watching her grow into this whole other person tugs at my heart strings more often than not because I wish I had the ability to stall time for my own selfish reasons, I'm excited to hear her speak, put words together that she didn't know even a month ago, work on puzzles, cop up an attitude, get stubborn for the things she absolutely must have and I take comfort in the fact that at age 2, at 12, at 20 - in some way, no matter what her age, she will always remain my baby - if not A baby.

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