Complicated

I don't have much to post about lately. Not because nothing is going on but more because now I am torn. Originally my plan was to blog about my day to day with the Jellybean and to share her with everyone. Lately, I'm wondering if perhaps I should just open a Facebook account and privately share just photos with the people I initially meant to be share my days with. It's not exactly as though I have such profound thoughts to share, and while I love "writing", I feel like it's come to a point where she's more "identifiable" and I am paranoid to some extent and something else that I can't quite figure out. I don't know. It's complicated, but I'll leave you these for now.





Such. A. Girl. Now I owe Auntie Louise new lipstick.

It Isn't Easy Being Baby!

Her first reaction as she threw apples and juice all over everything and everywhere:


Her reaction when she realized mommy wasn't finding any of it amusing.


Of course, now I have to smile because she just looks too sad otherwise. So off I go to clean off all the juice and apple particles off the floor, my ipad, her highchair, the wall, her hair, clothes and everything else in between with a smile on my face because while my initial reaction was pure shock followed by frustration, it can't be easy being a kid of an OCD mama. Besides, I am the idiot that gave it to her to eat and thought it would be okay to look away for 13 seconds. What did I think was going to happen? It does look fun, doesn't it? Rain, can you stop? You're making me crazy.

A Painful Week

Overdue pictures from the zoo. I miss the sun. Can you bring me the sun? Please? It's raining this week. This ENTIRE week.























Can't have the happy without the pouty to have the happy again. Oh the complicated life of a toddle baby. - Posted using BlogPress

Good Morning!

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Potty

I live for days like this







But after all the fun, I thought I was going to explode on the way home. How do mommies pee when they're out with their little ones alone? Personally, I hold it. I also try not to drink so much water while I'm out because I'm well aware that it will probably drown me inside out. The only use for a public restroom for me is to change Jellybean. If said public restroom lacks a changing table, which is the case more often than I would like, it's of no use to me. I've learned to change diapers with Jellybean standing up, laying down on her back or on her belly. I prefer that she lay still on her back obviously, but babies don't much care about what you want, do they? Now really, how do mommies pee?

*** Also, I got a new toy. Look what it can do??











Great. I just publicly embarrassed myself all in the name of humor in all my sleep deprived glory. I am hardly one to snap pictures of myself. I generally shy away from the camera unless Jellybean is in it with me, but I love warpy pictures and I. Just. Couldn't. Help. It. Super awesome. Technology rocks. I need sleep. This is sad.

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Life As I Know It

I cannot afford to be anything else, but Jellybean's mommy. I am responsible for the lessons she learns, her habits, her care, her health, her safety, her all around well being - as well as being the sole giver of most of her snuggles, kisses, hugs, and "pick up"-s throughout the day, everyday. All of which I love immensely. Some days, however, I wonder where the old me was left behind and it can quickly fall into a dangerous game of "what if". There is no what if. There is only what is. These are the times I remind myself that humans are, by nature, selfish creatures. You, as in I, will always want more, want change, want different, want better, and while those goals are healthy in their own way, they quickly turn into a what-if emotional massacre and that's unhealthy. I have very little balance in my life. It's 98% child and 2% everything else. It doesn't leave a lot of room for anything else actually. The weight of being responsible for another human being is enormous and can be overwhelming when you're going at it blind. I've never been a mommy before. I can be doing all the right things, still get it all wrong and that fact paralyzes me because I need control, and things that are unknown are not within the realms of my control. I can only do the best I can, and hope that the "right" comes along with the effort to make it so. That means mama needs to be balanced and balanced well. Which I am not. It's time to make some changes. Comes to mind the saying "Happy Wife; Happy Life". In a similar way, I think it's "Happy Mommy; Happy Baby", but more often than not, I think it's the other way around for me. It crosses, of course, but I cannot be the best at anything if I don't have the proper balance. She is still so young and I am still shooting hearts out of my eyeballs at my baby, refusing to leave her side, but she will not always be so young and she cannot be my sole reason for happiness. That's a tremendous burden for a child to carry. I know. I was once that child. It's time to make my own happy and share. She's been doing all the work. I think it's time to pull in some of the mommy weight around here!

Happy Mommy Day

It is my second mother's day. For my first, I wanted to make a big deal of it, and I was upset for most of the day. There is only one FIRST mother's day. EVER. And so I spent a good part of that week disappointed and annoyed and resentful because noone seemed to understand that it was to be my day as well, and it was dedicated solely to my mother in law from what to buy, what to do, where to go, what to eat. I was not happy. In fact, I was in tears over it. Not because we were doing it for her, but because it wasn't being done for me. Fast forward to a year later - I don't really care. Maybe it's because my expectations were higher in the past and it didn't quite turn out to be what I imagined it would be (except now all that seems downright ridiculous - what had I been imagining? a horse, a carriage and a crown?), maybe it has something to do with that I'm just really okay with NOT doing anything at all because quite frankly, I'm tired anyway, but honestly I think the difference is - the realization that it's a hallmark holiday. We don't do Valentine's Day, and we've never done much of the anniversary part either. Our tradition just turned those days into KFC day. No, really, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Twice a year. Valentine's Day and Anniversary. As far as expectations on Mother's Day, I don't have any because really, jellybean is 16 months old. It's her day everyday. Two, where my husband is concerned, I'm not his mom. I know many women would disagree with me on this, because yes, we should be appreciated for the things we do, we want to be acknowledged, we want to have some peace and quiet and please can we just sleep in for 15 more minutes - yes, we all deserve it without question, but at the end of the day, it really is just another day. And did I mention I'm tired anyway? I don't want to fight for a seat at some restaurant to eat a pre-fixed menu (what if I don't want mango chutney on my fish and why is my fish the size of a half dollar coin? Now I have to cajole my husband into picking up fried chicken on the way home after dinner - wonderful) or to fight through traffic and parking to get there. I am happy to spend it like it's another day because it is. I can label any day anything I want to call it, but the reality is, it's a day. I'd much rather forego the whole labeling and just be appreciated and acknowledged the rest of the year for being a mommy. This year, Husband asked what I wanted to do, and I replied "KFC please". Now we get a fried chicken dinner in a bucket thrice a year! I am spending my weekend doing this, and really, what more is there?











With all that said, however, Happy Mother's Day to all mothers. Not ONLY because it's mother's day, but because mommies are awesome. All. The. Time.


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Mother of the Year

That mess was self inflicted. Tamper resistant. They weren't kidding. It took a crapload of force to crack. Any guesses why I no longer have a window??? Yes, we are all fine and dandy. In fact, when that happened, we never even made it out of the driveway. Here's a hint: NEVER let the car door close when your toddler is holding the keys. That's right. She locked me out of the car and grew so hysterical, I couldn't afford to wait for the folks who do this sort of thing on a regular basis. Worst mommy ever moment. And the world's most helpless feeling in the world.

Big Fun Stuffs

Happy 30th Birthday to Ms. L. Good times with a dozen (almost) women (okay 9 women, and the two men who may as well be women). Lots of food, drinks and laughs. Ever stick a grown woman in a child's carseat? I can now say I have. I can comfortably fit 3 - barely - (not including the driver) in my car. So where does the 4th go? Into the carseat, of course! We drove something like 40 blocks with a grown a$$ woman in a child's seat. Try it. It's loads of fun. You know what else I noticed amidst all the fun stuff? Women are very much territorial. Just a feeling I got. I think it's referred to as catty. Even amongst a group of women who have all known eachother for something like a decade or more. Granted, not all close, but still - a decade is a decade. Does it bother me? Not at all. It's not exactly news, but it was a little surprising to take note of, I suppose - although I haven't quite figured out the why. In short? I most definitely had better than just a great time, and I would have been terribly sorry if I couldn't have made it. Especially the big person in little person seat thing. Gah. I really need to try to get out more often. I don't know why I don't. Oh wait, I do. JELLYBEAN! Is it odd that even the very few times I do go out, I miss and worry about her? Is that weird? It's been 16 months. I hear most mamas are happy to leave their Littles to grab some "me time" by the time their babies are a year old, but I'm still not feeling that way. I never thought this would be me. Huh.

The World Keeps On Spinning

I am a giver. A pretty generous one. I'll give you pretty much anything you ask for within reason and within my ability. Many times, I offer if I know I have something you can use/need/want BUT I'm very selfish. I like my things to be - well, MINE. It's an only child thing, I think. I didn't grow up having to share. Everything bought for me, was mine. Noone else's. No little brother or sister whining about "Well, SHE got one, I want one too". I think there are many advantages to being an only child. Did I mention I didn't have to share anything? :) It taught me independence. It teaches you problem solving very early. You get all the love and attention and never have to fight for a "turn". You're not expected to babysit your younger sibling and it is pretty much your world. I was content and happy to sit in my room reading a book and to this day, big crowds don't do much for me. You also learn responsibility rather quickly because there's no scapegoat. However, you break that lamp and when mom gets home, you KNOW she knows it's you and you, and only you, will get your a$$ kicked - which obviously was the not so fun part. Nonetheless, it was never something I thought about much. That is, until now. In the last few years as I watch my parents change in appearance, in age, in health, I realize that when they're gone, I am literally alone. Yes, I will have my husband and my daughter. It will just be a different kind of alone and for the first time in my life, I wonder what it would be like if I had that sister or brother to share the burden with. I hope my kid(s) won't have to wonder about such things and while I know a fair share of siblings who aren't friendly, much less friends, with eachother, I hope that will not be the case if we were to have #2, #3 (#4?). For the time, I'm blessed with parents who are healthy and still working in as best a shape as they can be at their age and for that I'm grateful but every so often, I'll catch a glimpse of my mother's face as she plays with her granddaughter and see how much she's changed since I was that little girl. Or the look of joy, but something else also, in the eyes of my father as he watches his granddaughter pretend feed my mother from her toy kitchen. It's sweet and heartbreaking and then it's not because it's too sad to think about. Then I remember that it's not something I need to think about in a happy moment because you want to remember being happy in the happy moment. Life would just be too overwhelming otherwise. My parents are coming by tomorrow morning to say hello on the way to work even though, technically, work for them would be the opposite direction. Then I'm going to call my mother in law just to say hi and that we will see her for breakfast on Saturday. I have no doubt that my mother will do something to make me roll my eyes and my mother in law will say something that makes me cringe, and you know what? I'm going to smile and mean that smile because I know one day, those are the things that I will miss. Is this what it means to become a parent? Becoming a mama seems to have made me so much stronger in so many ways, but much more ___ in so many other ways. Somebody fill in that blank for me as I can't think of a word that fits. Sappier? Weaker? Yeah, I don't know.

Anyway, back to happy moments, we sat in the parking lot of Babies R Us for over a half hour because she wouldn't get out of my seat. Cute, yes. A tad bossy too, this girl.

Friends

I have some really awesome ones.


See that? That's a Boston cream pie. FROM Boston. The girlfriend went all the way to Boston and brought back a pie just for me. Drove over to the house and dropped it off. Talk. About. Awesome. It tastes even awesomer. Clearly that photo was taken before I inhaled the sugary, creamy, oh so buttery goodness which I am now dearly paying for because that was not meant to be consumed in 13 seconds at 1:00am. That's right. That cup is full of coffee and before you start blasting me with your "no wonder you can't sleep" comments, I tried quitting coffee and I was still wide awake except with a caffeine deprived headache. If I have to stay awake, I fully intend to enjoy my time awake thankyouverymuch.