Monday, May 9, 2011
Life As I Know It
I cannot afford to be anything else, but Jellybean's mommy. I am responsible for the lessons she learns, her habits, her care, her health, her safety, her all around well being - as well as being the sole giver of most of her snuggles, kisses, hugs, and "pick up"-s throughout the day, everyday. All of which I love immensely. Some days, however, I wonder where the old me was left behind and it can quickly fall into a dangerous game of "what if". There is no what if. There is only what is. These are the times I remind myself that humans are, by nature, selfish creatures. You, as in I, will always want more, want change, want different, want better, and while those goals are healthy in their own way, they quickly turn into a what-if emotional massacre and that's unhealthy. I have very little balance in my life. It's 98% child and 2% everything else. It doesn't leave a lot of room for anything else actually. The weight of being responsible for another human being is enormous and can be overwhelming when you're going at it blind. I've never been a mommy before. I can be doing all the right things, still get it all wrong and that fact paralyzes me because I need control, and things that are unknown are not within the realms of my control. I can only do the best I can, and hope that the "right" comes along with the effort to make it so. That means mama needs to be balanced and balanced well. Which I am not. It's time to make some changes. Comes to mind the saying "Happy Wife; Happy Life". In a similar way, I think it's "Happy Mommy; Happy Baby", but more often than not, I think it's the other way around for me. It crosses, of course, but I cannot be the best at anything if I don't have the proper balance. She is still so young and I am still shooting hearts out of my eyeballs at my baby, refusing to leave her side, but she will not always be so young and she cannot be my sole reason for happiness. That's a tremendous burden for a child to carry. I know. I was once that child. It's time to make my own happy and share. She's been doing all the work. I think it's time to pull in some of the mommy weight around here!