Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The World Keeps On Spinning

I am a giver. A pretty generous one. I'll give you pretty much anything you ask for within reason and within my ability. Many times, I offer if I know I have something you can use/need/want BUT I'm very selfish. I like my things to be - well, MINE. It's an only child thing, I think. I didn't grow up having to share. Everything bought for me, was mine. Noone else's. No little brother or sister whining about "Well, SHE got one, I want one too". I think there are many advantages to being an only child. Did I mention I didn't have to share anything? :) It taught me independence. It teaches you problem solving very early. You get all the love and attention and never have to fight for a "turn". You're not expected to babysit your younger sibling and it is pretty much your world. I was content and happy to sit in my room reading a book and to this day, big crowds don't do much for me. You also learn responsibility rather quickly because there's no scapegoat. However, you break that lamp and when mom gets home, you KNOW she knows it's you and you, and only you, will get your a$$ kicked - which obviously was the not so fun part. Nonetheless, it was never something I thought about much. That is, until now. In the last few years as I watch my parents change in appearance, in age, in health, I realize that when they're gone, I am literally alone. Yes, I will have my husband and my daughter. It will just be a different kind of alone and for the first time in my life, I wonder what it would be like if I had that sister or brother to share the burden with. I hope my kid(s) won't have to wonder about such things and while I know a fair share of siblings who aren't friendly, much less friends, with eachother, I hope that will not be the case if we were to have #2, #3 (#4?). For the time, I'm blessed with parents who are healthy and still working in as best a shape as they can be at their age and for that I'm grateful but every so often, I'll catch a glimpse of my mother's face as she plays with her granddaughter and see how much she's changed since I was that little girl. Or the look of joy, but something else also, in the eyes of my father as he watches his granddaughter pretend feed my mother from her toy kitchen. It's sweet and heartbreaking and then it's not because it's too sad to think about. Then I remember that it's not something I need to think about in a happy moment because you want to remember being happy in the happy moment. Life would just be too overwhelming otherwise. My parents are coming by tomorrow morning to say hello on the way to work even though, technically, work for them would be the opposite direction. Then I'm going to call my mother in law just to say hi and that we will see her for breakfast on Saturday. I have no doubt that my mother will do something to make me roll my eyes and my mother in law will say something that makes me cringe, and you know what? I'm going to smile and mean that smile because I know one day, those are the things that I will miss. Is this what it means to become a parent? Becoming a mama seems to have made me so much stronger in so many ways, but much more ___ in so many other ways. Somebody fill in that blank for me as I can't think of a word that fits. Sappier? Weaker? Yeah, I don't know.

Anyway, back to happy moments, we sat in the parking lot of Babies R Us for over a half hour because she wouldn't get out of my seat. Cute, yes. A tad bossy too, this girl.

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