Thursday, June 17, 2010

Mommy Me

I need to start this off by clearly conveying to you that I love everything about mommyhood. I love that I wake up to her grinning face, I love that she's mine, I love that she's so happy all the time, I love that she's playful, and healthy, and oh, she has a new tooth coming in and she's still such a happy little thing! I love every blessed moment of it. I love it so much that I want 4 kids. Yes. FOUR. With that said, it also means to lose a little of me. I used to have a job. Not a stay-at-home, work a few hours a day in between naps (if that), kind of job. A real one where I actually woke up, dressed, got to wear heels, logged in, have my own office/cube, kind of job. I used to have my own space - at home and out. I used to meet my friends. While I still meet them (in fact, I probably see a lot more of them a lot more often than I used to), but they're no longer really around to see me (Leah is, afterall, wayyyy cuter and funner to play with). No longer dinners, a cup of coffee, even a glass of wine on a whim. Hub and I used to go on dates, fishing, flying, sun-bathing, without worrying about who would watch little Squirmy (not that I'm even willing to leave her with anyone. Well, maybe one person, and only because she has a daughter of her own and only if I absolutely needed to). I was never big on partying or drinking so it really isn't that part of "life" I miss. "Miss" isn't even an accurate word because I don't at all miss going out, only I can't think of a better word. Yes, I can still do those things, but it's different. I choose to stay with her if I can help it because I want to. I stay home days at a time without going out because I don't want to interfere with her naps. If she doesn't nap well, she doesn't sleep nights as well, and it takes a night or two to get her back around. It isn't worth it to me. Early on, I took her out constantly. One, she was smaller, lighter and easier because she slept through everything and I didn't need a whole lot of stuff to take with me. Not so much anymore. Two, I heard then, that getting her used to different places and people helps avoid stranger and separation anxiety. False. It has no bearing. Besides, going out means spending money, and I have no job (the part-time I have hardly constitutes as one), and thus, no money to spend. Three, I'm tired and it is a lot of work getting out the door. "Diapers? Check. Teethers, binkies and toys? Check. Extra onesies and bibs? Check. Wallet? Crap. Gotta run back upstairs. Phone? Oh whatever, noone calls me anyway". If we get antsy and want to see a little sun, we walk outside and down the block and back. I leave the door open to avoid having to carry out a bunch of keys so we walk as far as I can see the house (although the other day I realized, if I saw someone walking into our house, really, would keeping an eye out do any good? Probably not). Anyway, maybe it's the lack of sleep, or maybe it's the groundhog day feeling from time to time or late at night when all I hear is nothing, I think about who I am, where I am and where I am going. Not as a wife, not as a mom, but as myself - not today, or tomorrow or next week, but rather 3, 5, 10, 15 years from today. It doesn't change anything because there is nothing in this world I would trade for my days with Squirmy. Simply a small part of me as an individual that wonders if there isn't anymore of me. I must be tired - what's with the excessive comma usage???

She sure is delish! I tried getting a photo of her first tooth, but when her mouth opens, her tongue follows. There's just no getting around it. My little bundle of rolls and energy...

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