Goals

Mommy's goal for the week will be to sleep before midnight for at least 4 of the 5 weekdays. My goal for the week is to focus a bit more on you than on work, household duties, problems and life. My goal is to be more patient with you and to try to listen to your incessant babbling and to respond to your incessant babbling because one day, you'll stop and I'll never get it back. My goal this week is to give you more kisses than scoldings. My goal this week is to give you more hugs than demands. The goal I can't beat is to love you more than I do now because I don't think it is humanly possible to love you any more than I do already.

I hope to the heavens above that you will always know this in your heart - I may not always succeed in the goals I make for myself, for you, or for us, but I cannot love anything more than I do you.

Every supermarket should have one of these. It's a shopping cart with a kiddie car attached to the front. It's a pain in the a$$ to push around the narrow aisles (why didn't anyone think to make the aisles wide enough for these carts?) but it definitely makes for some easy grocery shopping when your kid is occupied and thinks she's controlling which way you turn. Mommy score!




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One Of 'Em Days

I wake up in a crap mood hoping that by noon it'll be better but the day drags on and makes my crap mood into a pissy one - I couldn't wait for it to be over. Then I pick up my Bean and listen to her endless chatter in the backseat of the car, singing in her broken baby talk because she doesn't quite yet know all the words to all the songs, you can't help but feel a little ashamed not to be grateful for the moments. And boy, am I. At the end of it all, she's the result and for that, I can chalk up days like this as "just a bad day; not a bad life".




She's so anti photo!

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Happy Saturday

It has been one of the most relaxing Saturdays. Active still because "relaxing" is a rather relative term with a toddler around, but minimal tantrums and mostly happy 2 year old makes for the day a happy, relaxing one. She took a near 4 hour nap, we walked quite a bit after she woke, window shopped, picked up a pair of earrings for her because they get lost constantly and all in all, a nice red mango with strawberries kind of day. Happy baby; happy mommy. Relaxed mommy and an even happier baby. I need not wish for more than days like today.




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Rewind

Every so often, I click over to the first few months of my daughter's life, and the reason this blog was born. I wanted my feelings, experiences and ultimately my proudest moments documented to show how in love with the Bean I was as a new mom knowing nothing. At 29 months, she is the very core of me and still, I can say, I know nothing. It's always a learning curve and it's as challenging and mind-blowing and absolutely delightful now as it was then. Different, and alike all at once. Everyday I can only hope that I am doing just one thing right. So in a rather heavy discussion, it was said - "it's funny how things turn out". It is. Simply one different path, however slight, could have taken me down an entirely different road.

Fear

Some days:




Maybe it's the notion that I'm supposed to be, or that I have to be, that makes me feel like smiling even if really, I'm not up to it. Sometimes - before I know it, I'm really smiling and I mean it even if it didn't start out that way. There, of course, are days that I do and my heart isn't at all feeling it. Today is a bit like that. I'm smiling and it's not reaching anywhere. I'm doing it because - well, what's the alternative, ya know? The weekend is over and a great one it was as are most weekends, but tonight, my heart is riding a bit on the heavy side.








Oh, this little girl is the love of my life and damn it - what if I'm doing this all wrong and where do "I" fit into this? Is there such thing as "me" and a "her"?. If it ever came down to choosing - it will always be her and her only, but is that the only way it can be? Is there really such a thing as balance?
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Wrong Side?

When your kid wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, even if you haven't, it makes for one irritating and frustrating morning and it gets you started off on the wrong note just as well as if it were you who woke up that way. Then while you're trying not to lose your head on your doesn't know better kid, the mommy guilt rears its ugly little head taunting you and mocking you for being a crap parent, "she's only two for crying out loud", says it while that same two year old is hollering, "no no I dun want!" from the backseat of your car as I try my damnedest not to turn the car around to go back home and have myself a do-over. Is it really only 8:30 in the morning?!?

To soften it, here's the current monster baby in near pony tails. I love her slightly curled, super fine hair that just lightly coats the back of her neck - that I love to nuzzle when she's not trying to make me crazy












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Wuss Dat, Mummy?

Oh my darling baby, I love you, you do know that don't you? But honey, there are some mornings where mommy just cannot answer that question more than 59 times before 9AM. It just isn't possible. Take it down a few notches, will ya?

Our morning commute conversation goes something like this (but much, much longer):

Beanie: "mommy, wuss dat?"

Me: "that's a car baby"

Beanie: "wuss dat?"

Me: "that's a flower, baby"

Beanie: "mommy wuss dat?"

Me: "sighhhh. That's a bus baby"

Beanie: "mommy -"

Me: "L - look! Look! A train!" (attempting to divert Beanie's attention)

Beanie: "mommy, train! Bye bye choo choo. Mommy mommy mommy, wuss dat?".

Le*sigh.... Hahahaha oh the things you love in life! As the lyrics go, "don't know what I did, to earn a love like this, but baby - I must be doin' something right".





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Emotionally Charged

Every laugh, every happy tear shed, every regretful tear shed, hugs from old friends and new ones alike, it has been an emotional weekend. It is now Sunday. I am still catching up from Saturday, it seems and I don't know where today has gone. I have a ton to share. I just don't have the right words at the moment to make any sense out of the thoughts I have to do that. Here's a simplified version:

We love you auntie Na-Na.






















The end results were stunning and I would do it all over again. I am truly, truly happy for you and E. I know you'll be reading this and there is so much more I would want you to know, but it remains that I think the world of you.

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A Note

To my perfect little girl:

You need to know and believe that if I could kiss away every hurt and make it better, I would; That if I could take on all the bad to leave you only the good, I would. There may come a time that mommy can't kiss all your boo-boos to make it better. There may come a time where so many things don't seem fair, but the good doesn't always come easy. It takes time, it takes work, and it takes good people to surround yourself with. It isn't something given, but something earned. And sometimes, sometimes through no fault of your own, plans don't always pan out the way you hoped or the way you wished. You will meet some amazing people to share your experiences with. You will meet those that will be a blessing to share your big, big heart with. There will also come a time you realize, not everyone is good and that not everyone wishes you kindly, and I hope that you grow into someone who is strong enough, confident enough, aware enough to understand that it is their loss and their misfortune to have missed out on what you have to offer because you are a delight in all your coy, bashful, sweet, loving and empathetic ways. I may be doing this all wrong and I wonder often if perhaps I am, but perfection is what I wish for you. Mommy is far from flawless. Quite the opposite in fact, but please know that I strive everyday in hopes that I can be good enough for this; good enough for you - to be able to give you everything you deserve and more and while I may never make it to perfection - I will forever strive to be better so that I may be good enough for you.

Love,
Your always grateful mommy.

I don't know why that photo is upside down, and I can't figure out how to turn it so you'll have to settle, folks.

A Peek At The Future

Nights, after she's asleep, and it's quiet around the house is when I do the most pondering. That and cleaning. Usually both. Lately I've just been contemplating the next 2 to 5 to 10 years of my life. What will I be doing? Where will I be working? How much will I be making and what will it be worth a decade down the line? How do I maximize it? How do I grow from here? What is my capacity? What's my limit? I love my current company. It has been and is a great place for flexibility and leniency - something I feel I cannot be without as a parent. I also know many companies are not so family oriented and much less accommodating. With that said, there isn't any room for growth. I am what I am and I will always be just that because we are such a small firm. At the age I am now, it works very well. I'm not too young to be irresponsible about my job. I'm young enough to be quick to pick up on new systems to be efficient. But at 35? Or at age 40? There will be many younger after me willing to work for much less pay who have much less baggage. That's just a fact. Especially for women, you are and become something of a liability. Childbearing age is a liability. Age in itself is a liability. This brings me to the above noted questions - what can I do that can mean a little more security and a little more permanency than just a means to make a living. I want to make my own mark of sorts. For the Bean obviously, but for myself as well. I'm a mom. Not dead ya know?







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