Mommy's Year

To my little big girl,

You are growing so quickly into your own person. You're the perfect balance of sweet and cuddly, but rambunctious with just enough attitude. I laugh often because you really are such a girly girl. Thank you for being you, for making life so much sweeter, and for making life just difficult enough to keep it interesting. Thank you for all the lessons you continue to teach me. You are such a happy baby and it makes me feel as if I am doing something right which makes my heart smile. I watch you sleeping many nights and marvel over how much you've grown. Yet, you are still small enough to fit snuggly in the crook of my arm when you're tired and in need of a cuddle. You're an absolute delight when you run over for a hug in the middle of throwing your toys across the room just to make sure mommy is there watching you demolish furniture. I love, and am amazed, at how quickly you pick up on and learn things by pointing or signing and I am more aware of how careful I need to be around you because you are becoming quite the monkey. I would appreciate it if you didn't slap me across the face to wake me, but if you must every morning elbow me in my eyeball or drop your entire 20-pound self onto mommy's face for some attention, I will still love you because I understand how much fun it must be for a miniature human to watch mommy's face contort as she yelps in pain. I also thank you for being over your cold, because you seem to be yourself again - the happy baby that eats and plays and doesn't throw herself on the floor kicking and screaming. For a while there you had me terrified because I thought you hit the terrible twos at one. Tomorrow, we will try taking pictures again, and it would be lovely if you would cooperate. It is, afterall, your 12th month. It's our last sticker. I promise I won't put anymore of those silly picky stickies on you again. I love you more than you will ever know. Happy Birthday, my little Squirmy.

Love, Mommy.
* * * * * * * * *
One year ago, my life changed. In one year - I've learned the greatest of lessons, have had thousands of unforgettable experiences, cried some, but laughed more. One year ago, I cried more in one night than I had in a very long time holding fast to my few hour old daughter as if she were my life line. It turns out, she is my life line. One year ago, I cried happy tears for the very first time in my life. Through countless mistakes, experiments and determination, through lapse in judgment to finding solutions, through squibbles and squabbles, we have grown as a family; as a team. It is hard for me to remember life pre-baby. It's hard for me to see myself anywhere else now that I am here. One year ago, she was no heavier than a small watermelon and no larger than a teddy bear. She cried some, slept a lot, ate a lot, and slept some more. A year later, today, she cries some, still sleeps quite a bit, eats a boatload, but laughs more, loves more, dances, plays, signs, incessantly rambles incoherent consonants, gives the world's greatest hugs and the sloppiest, most delicious kisses. One year ago, I became a mommy for the first time and today, a year later, I can't think of anything else I've ever done that I've been so proud of. It was a no-go for photos today. I just ended up with a bunch blurry photos depicting the back of her head in motion. Here's a before and after in the mean time:

From this ---

--- To this. How is it possible that it's already been a year!? -.-

Pay It Forward

It's 3AM. I sit on the kitchen table, on my iPad, with a shawl over my shoulders bawling my eyes out because every so often you just read some pretty amazing things - beyond inspiring. And I am SO DEFINITELY NOT a cryer. I would send you the link, but I can't because I closed out of it and now I can't find it. I will find it so you know what I am rambling about in this weird hour of night, in the dark, alone. I sound like a crazy person, yes?

Where Did You Come From?

Squirmy is not eating, not sleeping, cranky as all hell and wow, bossy. Terrible twos? Did she hit that mark early? She caught a nasty cold last week and it is still lingering, but since that cold she has been a completely different baby. This is not a "my baby is perfect" ramble, but prior to this, she truly has been a very content and easy going kiddy overall. She has always been a great eater. Sometimes I thought too great an eater because I would constantly find foreign inedible objects in her diapers. The last week or so I happen to think the thoughts "you do that one more time, I'm going to beat down your diapered butt" through my head much too often. I don't. I just think it. Which makes me sad because - because - because - I'm not supposed to be going through the woes of the terrible twos until she's TWO! Lies. LIES! She now fights me on eating, throws her bottle straight across the room, throws herself on the floor if I try to take away anything she wants to play with and fake bawls until she's actually crying for real. In addition to which, baby that slept so much that I would find myself checking on her repeatedly fights sleep with every ounce of energy remaining in her and now also demands to be rocked to sleep. Even that took over an hour and a half tonight. The pictures? My attempt to make eating avocados a fun activity for her. It left behind one royally disgusting mess on the floor, on both of our clothes and her face, but at least she ate most of it and ate it happily with no screaming or crying or throwing involved. Has my luck run out? Where did this new baby come from???

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Merry Christmas

Wishing you and your loved ones a very Happy Holiday season. Cheers!

It's Not Easy Being Baby!

Our heat was out for about 3 days. It started making some really loud, really strange noises and then it kapooted completely late Friday. Maybe it was Saturday? That would make it 2 days. I have no concept of time. They finally got it up and running again last night. We had so many space heaters going at once that the heaters would randomly short circuit something else. I can't say it was horrible, but it certainly wasn't fun. Now Squirmy's got a full blown cold. Can't say it's slowed her down any, but she's got a hacky cough and fountain nose.

It felt cold enough for me to keep a hat on her all weekend layered in all sorts of fleece

Dressed to take a trip to the Ped. This is a size 12-18 months. Should have gone down a size, yeah? She looks mighty toasty in there, but it can't be all too comfortable wearing it when you're pint sized and stuck in a car seat.

We, as adults, often complain about how tough things are - but it isn't so easy being small. You're not allowed to play with anything fun (i.e. forks, knives, garbage cans), people grab you by your arm pits to make you go where they want you to, they dress you funny, and your butt is bare at least a dozen times a day between diaper changes.

'Tis The Season

So as tradition goes, we do Christmas a week before Christmas Day with his family. The holidays with baby definitely means it is really ALL about baby. She was so wired after everyone left, she was beside herself. Sleepy, but excited. Excited, but exhausted. Squirmy got lots o' goodies, but I must say, when you have a kid under the age of 3, all they need really is the box the toy came in and the wrapping paper it was wrapped with and they're pretty golden.

That's a cow rocker. How cool is that?!? I want one for big peoples next year:

 Here is Squirmy having herself a ball with the wrapping paper. Who needs toys?

 And again here, but with tissue paper

Since we got the festivities overwith early, we got to spend a nice quiet Sunday. Conversation following this photo between Husband and myself:

Husband: Let her play with your phone instead

Myself: What? Why??

Husband: Yours is under insurance...

You know what she's playing on his phone? Angry Birds. If you have an android phone, download it. I don't know what it does really, but Husband is addicted. Must be fun stuff. Or it could just be that he's easily amused - as is Squirmy.

Doesn't it look, though, as if she knows exactly what she's doing?

My very proud Squirmy and her million dollar cheeks sporting her crazies hair.

As a gift to myself (although I didn't know it at the time), is reading a book called "The Happiest Toddler on The Block". You see, Squirmy is getting to that stage of pushing limits and "checking in" certain behaviors to see if they are or aren't okay. I was given this book from I-don't-know-who when I was pregnant and had forgotten all about it until now. It is not only a great read to give someone a glimpse of the world in the view of a non-verbal mini toddle baby person, it is a great book of learning new and hopefully effective communicating techniques, period. Combine this with baby signing and I think I, as well as Squirmy, will be much more satisfied. Let's face it, there are days where I wish I can shake out of her what exactly it is she needs from me to make it - whatever "it" happens to be at the moment - better.

Luck

Yes, we've been lucky. I have been lucky. My kid sleeps well through the night. 6PM to 7AM or 7PM to 8AM. Sure, there are exceptions like the night before where she all of a sudden wants to play while half the world on this side of the globe isn't even awake, but they are very rare. In fact, it's months apart that when it does, I easily roll with it because it's that uncommon. I will schlep my not-yet-slept butt downstairs to entertain her and be her donkey. Yes, there are some nights she wakes up and looks for the binky that popped out of her mouth but she goes right back down after rolling around in search of it as long as she finds it. My kid is an eater. She will eat anything. It doesn't even necessarily need to be edible either. My foam letter floor rainbow mats are proof of that. We went from bottle to sippy (well, 2 of the 4 bottles have been replaced) with nothing more than a big fat sigh as protest. What does she care? It's food. She is, for the most part, an all around, content baby. I take no credit. It's temperament; not parenting. She's not programmed by me. She is just her. Some kids are flexible, some are not. She is in the sleep and food department. Not to say she doesn't want to make me pull all my hair out in other ways because she does, and I'm convinced she wants to give me a heartattack at an early age by climbing and falling and climbing and falling and climbing - yeah you get the point - but the sleep and eating part was a big thing for me and I did get lucky there. Now... dum dee dum dum... I am trying to wean her of the binky, and it is guaranteed to be not so fun. I have been putting it off. At 4 months, I said I would at 5; At 5 months, I said I would at 6. Well it's month 12, and she's still chomping away. Don't get me wrong, she never uses it during the day, but it's surely her sleep aid, and I don't know how to take it away. Yep, I've googled "how to wean your baby off pacifier" and got a gazillion hits, but but but she's never had to cry-it-out anything, and I don't feel like I can avoid it this time around. Luck, where are you?

Utter Ramblings

I squirted shampoo in my eyeball. That is some serious aim. Well, at least my eyeball is squeaky clean.

The term "busy bored" has never been truer. Yes, it's a made up word. Yes, I made it up when I used to work and things got redundant. Boy, was I wrong because working outside the home is anything but that - in comparison. Yes, I live groundhog day, but I rejoice in the fact that it is at least with a person who always smells like honey and cinnamon and something sweet.

I crack up every time Little walks towards me. She walks like she's a drunk person and who would've thought I would find it to be the cutest thing?

I need to register her for Gymboree. You start losing it after having stayed home for an "x" amount of time.

I haven't slept more than an hour and a half because she woke up as I was about to go to bed - wanting a bottle. And then wanting to play.

Final thought? She's just lucky she's mine and cute. Crud, I'm tired.

Tomorrow begins our Christmas. Yep, we're eager beavers like that.

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~ "Ohhh, The Weather Outside is Frightful........."~

Ah, we've officially entered hibernation mode. What can you do with a bouncing-off-the-wall baby in weather so bone-chillingly cold? Nada. You turn up the heat, turn on some Baby Mozart, and hope to come up for air every so often. Here's a conversation I had with a friend today:

Me: Save me
Friend: From what?
Me: Winter
Friend: Are you home?
Me: Yes
Friend: Then shut up
Me: Oh. Okay

That pretty much sums it up. I can't complain when I'm in the house nice and toasty and she's wearing knee high socks with pants she never wears because it really is that cold out. Talk about putting things into perspective.

Mommy Care

So I randomly came across a mommy in cyberworld that has a younger baby (6 months?) than Leah who also live somewhere in New York (City) - I think, anyway. Because I want to teach Little a tad bit about independence (this girl is all and only Team Mommy right now and doesn't really have the same interaction with other Little beings as she would in a "school" environment), I wanted to see if I can dig up a little information on part time UPK's, "school-like" daycares, etc. (Nothing crazy. A place that may take Little for two hours a day, once or twice a week) in the area because she (cyberworld mommy) recently mentioned something about looking for a daycare for her daughter and I am under the assumption that she found one. And you know, no response. Then I thought about it some. I wouldn't have responded either. Who wants to share information as to where they leave their precious cargo for the better part of the day to another someone who may or may not be who they say they are? Strike. It's just that I, for the first time in my life have been forced to admit that, Google may not know everything afterall. It is a sad day for me. Oh, Google, how you disappoint me. I should also add to this, I love that my baby is Team Mommy because I'm Team Baby, too. It's really that if it becomes severe dependency, it is unhealthy and I want her to be a good balanced kid, ya know? But after much research and brainstorming, she may still be a little young for it and I need not worry just yet, so I enrolled her into Gymboree instead. This way, she can still learn to play (hopefully, well) with her own age group; understand that Mommy may leave, but Mommy comes back; and for crying out loud, it's okay if Mommy is not in baby's direct vision at all times. It doesn't mean Mommy vanished... Mommy just needed to pee. Playdates are wonderful but because it's in a controlled environment of "comfort", it doesn't have the same effect of having a neutral environment where they are "forced" to learn to problem solve, learn to share, learn to communicate with eachother in a place outside of what they are normally used to. Besides, let's face it, playdates among friends are for us (read: me) big folks as much as it is for the little ones because it makes us (read: me) feel like we (read: I) have someone to relate to that can verbally communicate with you (read: me) instead of throwing their sippy cup at you (definitely, read: me) in response.

Moving onto (yes, we did the cheesy Santa thing):

So, which Christmas card did you get in the mail from us? Oh, you didn't? Sorry, it's because someone (Hi, Unnie! =] I know you're reading. SILENT STALKER!) mentioned that she hates photo cards because she couldn't throw them out without feeling badly so I was trying to save her the trouble, but here are the pics used for the ones that were sent out. Does it feel like Christmas yet? For those normal people who sleep nights, it's snowing out (in New York - Jen, is it also snowing in Cow Town?). It's pretty now, cottony and fluffy, but... my first thought? "Great, just what I need. One more reason to have even less things to do with my super active almost 1-year old".

Play on "Life"

Sure she is cute and cuddly and delicious. Now. What of me when she is no longer the baby? Yeah, I know, live in the moment and for the most part, I do. Really, I love being the right here and now mommy. But the mommy/wife title aside, what, if anything, will remain of me? I love that I had a daughter so I hope this will not be misleading, but sometimes I feel bad that she's a girl. If she were to marry, I hope it is not into a Korean family. Is that bad of me? True, every marriage is an uphill effort at one point or another. It is all about failing and trying again and again and making mistakes and redeeming yourself. That in and of itself is a challenege without having to throw in the mix of trying to please each and every "adult" (No, we are not adults. We are just bigger children playing house) in the traditional sense and you being, or having to learn to be, okay with it (to wish for her to embrace the tradition, that's a different topic for a different day). I chose to be a mommy who stays home during the first year at the very least, if not much longer. No nanny. No daycare. Me. Full time mom. I have no regrets and I would choose to be a stay at home mom if I were to do this all over again even knowing what I know now. But... BUT... This is not what I would want for Leah. I want more for her. I want her to be more. Have more. Know more. I do not wish for her to wake up one day and think "what now" because she didn't go as far as she was capable of in life. Mommy greed? Abso-stinking-lutely. - Yeah, okay, I talk about how I should be grateful and in comparison to many families out there with problems with severities I can't even begin to comprehend, yes, our life is pretty wonderful. That, however, does not mean that I don't have worries and complaints of my own in my standard every day life. Not all is well and great as it appears to be when compared to those less fortunate. I've got my own problems. I'm allowed a crap day. Or several for that matter. I failed today. Specifically, I feel like I failed Leah today. Life (not just marriage) is all about trying - again and again and again and again; and sometimes, it means continuing to try even when you know, you will not win because winning means you still lose. How about that for a pissed off mommy post.

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Big Girl Cup

I believe we are successful. Bittersweet.... Weaning of the bottle battle is half won. And before you berate me, she is teary eyed because she had just woken up. NOT because I made her cry. Just saying~~~

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Newness

Welcome all of the 6lb 5oz 20 inches of Chloe! I get to meet her tomorrow! I still remember the day Leah was born. The tiny, so very skinny little baby who was angrily crying for being disturbed out of a safe, warm place. 11-months later, here we are a bundle of energy, laughter, silliness and a chock full of attitude. She is the very core of my breath and my life. I was staring at my phone all day for the good news of mom and baby to come (and i mean ALL.DAMN.DAY), and I couldn't help but feel a pang of something else. Envy possibly with a little bit of sad mixed in? Because that joy, that first moment cradling your tiny, helpless baby, that on-top-of-the-world feeling of awe and shock as though you're floating - now that is immeausurable. While then it was the awe, the happy shock, the incredible feeling of pride and overwhelming feelings of responsibility, now it's a different kind. The intensity of those feelings do not wither. While the newness stage passes you by at lightening speed, I still look at my Little and feel things I can't ever really put into words to convey accurately. There aren't enough languages in the world to describe what Leah is and means to me. Today was one of our rougher days. I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I was so exhausted that while trying to put Little down for a nap, I fell asleep sitting down, leaning on the wall, cradling her for an hour (I don't know why I was even in that position at all and woke to my arms, shoulders and a$$ feeling all sorts of achy and bruised. How did I keep from dropping her - I do not know). But I look over now and steal glances at the baby monitor just to make sure she's doing okay, and think to self - while she is no longer that 6-pounder little being, she is now the 20-pounder root of my pride and joy who surprises me endlessly day after day with the new things she finds to do, new ways of showing affection, new ways of communicating. So yes, time to time, I miss the newness of having a newborn in my arms (and not just because they're stationary, much quieter and lighter in weight either - although it does make things a bit easier) but if I had the option to turn the clock back, I wouldn't. I couldn't bear to miss out on all the things my bigger Little does today. But the news of Chloe? I can't say it didn't make me want #2. If just for a second. But then, I feel that kink in my back and shoulders from today and it snaps me back to reality. The heck would I do outnumbered? I'll just have to inhale some of Chloe tomorrow instead and be satisfied with that.

Coffee Break

If pulling out the magazines left in the basket for recycle is what she needs to occupy herself with so that I can finish my morning coffee while it is still hot, well, then that is what she needs to do. Happy Thursday?

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Merry Lights

It'ssssss beginning to feel a lot like... Christmas. Granted, it's a little tree this year BUT it's a real one. As she gets older, I hope we can continue having a real Christmas tree every year. Just...taller. Maybe when I am more confident that she will not eat off the prickly little suckers...

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Good Morning

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Smitten

I don't have much to babble about today. Here are some photos until her birthday photos come in *impatiently waiting all of 3 days*. Any picture taken of her walking, she's almost always smiling. Whenever she's toddling around the house, there's a huge grin plastered on her face as if she knows to be proud of her newly found ability and accomplishment. Can you love another being more than you love your baby? I don't think it's possible. Then again, come ask me when she starts "no"-ing me to tears. I know I'll only love her more everyday, but I may not be as smitten when I'm trying to get a sneaker on her foot and she kicks me in the shin hollering her gazillionth "no" of the day.

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Ashamed

As I sit in the comfort of my home complaining about the 30242534 chores that "need" to be done, as I sit complaining about bills, about how cold it is outside (it's December and officially winter. It's supposed to be cold.), about some barely noticeable bruise on my palm... As I complain about all the mundane little things in life... I discover something that (again) makes me realize what a brat I am. My little one is snuggled in her room under warm blankets, to wake up to her mommy who will be with her all day to play with her, to snuggle, kiss and hug her. I will be falling asleep cuddled under a warm throw complaining that it's too hot with the heat on and too cold outside. I will wake up to a hot cup of coffee and a refrigerator stocked with anything I wish to eat and still manage to complain that there's nothing in there I want. I will spend my day gazing out the window with my baby and we will giggle, play, laugh, kiss, nap and anything else we wish to do for the day but I will find a reason to complain about how tiring my day is. We threw my 11 month old daughter a party big enough to have been called a wedding, and while it turned out to be more than a perfect day, we still sat and complained about what should and shouldn't have happened, what could have been better, what we wouldn't have done. I am ashamed. So instead, tomorrow, I will be more mindful for how very near perfect life is in our little world compared to so, so, so, many others. It's far too often forgotten, yes? (please Click photo below)

Mini-me Walks

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Cranky A$$ Wifey

I am definitely not the greatest of writers. I enjoy it, but I am far from being articulate with my words. Nonetheless, it's always been my "out". Feel up. Feel down. Feel in between. Whatever. I enjoy it. I started this blog to track my new position in life as a mommy. However, along with being a mommy, comes being a wife. I kinda suck at it. I'm not sappy. I'm not very affectionate (ask my husband what it takes to get a hug out of me). I'm sleep deprived and it generally shows. I don't see Husband much because he works, and he's really on his own schedule. So when he does get home, it's after I've been battling with mini-me all day on top of trying to keep the house from falling apart and then having to battle my insomnia every night. It was definitely easier when she was stationary. Now, she's got an opinion and an attitude. Yes, she's still all cute and cuddly and much more funner and honestly, most days, I would like to just sit there and chew on her pudgy little cheeks, but man, there are days I just don't know what to do with her yelling at the most piercing of ranges (where the HECK did she get that???) and wanting to use me as a donkey. It's not exactly lollipops and cotton candy. But today, he walked in carrying dinner because I may be asleep (from not sleeping for the last, oh i don't know, 11 months less a day or two), and with all the cash we needed to put together for this Saturday's wedding birthday party, it hit me again (it does sometimes ya know?) that he works hard. He works hard so that my cranky ass can stay home and chew on our daughter's pudgy little cheeks all day and try to make it my lollipop world, and he fell asleep without my saying thank you because he doesn't expect one and happily, gladly does it anyway. Why? Because he's a great Husband and I think I let him forget that sometimes because I trip over a pair of socks every now and again. So before I forget to let him not forget, here's a big fat thank you, Husband. *wave* - That's for Monday because he so sweetly took off tomorrow to run errands for me because it was going to be cold and he doesn't do the blog reading thing except at work. Thank you, Husband for working your hiny (hiney? - spelling, anyone?) off so I can be a happy mommy to baby and one cranky ass wife. You're super!

Almost Blissful

My day looked something like this. How was yours? :)

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Happy 11th Month!

(You know, I thought it would be easier to get a picture of her back. It really isn't. It's pretty impossible to catch a decent still photo of her at all) In 11 months, she teaches me more day to day how important it is to truly live in the moment. I am a planner. It is hard for me to not think of tomorrow, the next day, or the next week. I still plan ahead, but I definitely live for today. Everyday. So thank you, Squirmy, for teaching mommy her important lessons in life.

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De-Clutter

The scatterbrain that I am thought "Hm, gee, possibly if I simplified my life a bit, I may be less of a scatterbrain". Yeah. Uhm, 8 straight hours of intensive labor later, that does not seem to be the case (it also isn't the only reason I felt the need to de-clutter, but you wouldn't care about those details anyway). My genius self almost mixed together the "trash" bin and the "keep" bin, but I've got to say, my house is spotless (for the next few hours anyway)! How many moms do you know with a toddle baby who can declare that confidently? Well, guess what? Our cleaning lady is coming tomorrow. I suppose she can always just... mop some more since you can never really mop too much. My brilliance kills me. 11 month photo of Little to come. I promise. I'm always a day late. Dammit. When did I get to be so smart?