Sure she is cute and cuddly and delicious. Now. What of me when she is no longer the baby? Yeah, I know, live in the moment and for the most part, I do. Really, I love being the right here and now mommy. But the mommy/wife title aside, what, if anything, will remain of me? I love that I had a daughter so I hope this will not be misleading, but sometimes I feel bad that she's a girl. If she were to marry, I hope it is not into a Korean family. Is that bad of me? True, every marriage is an uphill effort at one point or another. It is all about failing and trying again and again and making mistakes and redeeming yourself. That in and of itself is a challenege without having to throw in the mix of trying to please each and every "adult" (No, we are not adults. We are just bigger children playing house) in the traditional sense and you being, or having to learn to be, okay with it (to wish for her to embrace the tradition, that's a different topic for a different day). I chose to be a mommy who stays home during the first year at the very least, if not much longer. No nanny. No daycare. Me. Full time mom. I have no regrets and I would choose to be a stay at home mom if I were to do this all over again even knowing what I know now. But... BUT... This is not what I would want for Leah. I want more for her. I want her to be more. Have more. Know more. I do not wish for her to wake up one day and think "what now" because she didn't go as far as she was capable of in life. Mommy greed? Abso-stinking-lutely. - Yeah, okay, I talk about how I should be grateful and in comparison to many families out there with problems with severities I can't even begin to comprehend, yes, our life is pretty wonderful. That, however, does not mean that I don't have worries and complaints of my own in my standard every day life. Not all is well and great as it appears to be when compared to those less fortunate. I've got my own problems. I'm allowed a crap day. Or several for that matter. I failed today. Specifically, I feel like I failed Leah today. Life (not just marriage) is all about trying - again and again and again and again; and sometimes, it means continuing to try even when you know, you will not win because winning means you still lose. How about that for a pissed off mommy post.
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