Newness

Welcome all of the 6lb 5oz 20 inches of Chloe! I get to meet her tomorrow! I still remember the day Leah was born. The tiny, so very skinny little baby who was angrily crying for being disturbed out of a safe, warm place. 11-months later, here we are a bundle of energy, laughter, silliness and a chock full of attitude. She is the very core of my breath and my life. I was staring at my phone all day for the good news of mom and baby to come (and i mean ALL.DAMN.DAY), and I couldn't help but feel a pang of something else. Envy possibly with a little bit of sad mixed in? Because that joy, that first moment cradling your tiny, helpless baby, that on-top-of-the-world feeling of awe and shock as though you're floating - now that is immeausurable. While then it was the awe, the happy shock, the incredible feeling of pride and overwhelming feelings of responsibility, now it's a different kind. The intensity of those feelings do not wither. While the newness stage passes you by at lightening speed, I still look at my Little and feel things I can't ever really put into words to convey accurately. There aren't enough languages in the world to describe what Leah is and means to me. Today was one of our rougher days. I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I was so exhausted that while trying to put Little down for a nap, I fell asleep sitting down, leaning on the wall, cradling her for an hour (I don't know why I was even in that position at all and woke to my arms, shoulders and a$$ feeling all sorts of achy and bruised. How did I keep from dropping her - I do not know). But I look over now and steal glances at the baby monitor just to make sure she's doing okay, and think to self - while she is no longer that 6-pounder little being, she is now the 20-pounder root of my pride and joy who surprises me endlessly day after day with the new things she finds to do, new ways of showing affection, new ways of communicating. So yes, time to time, I miss the newness of having a newborn in my arms (and not just because they're stationary, much quieter and lighter in weight either - although it does make things a bit easier) but if I had the option to turn the clock back, I wouldn't. I couldn't bear to miss out on all the things my bigger Little does today. But the news of Chloe? I can't say it didn't make me want #2. If just for a second. But then, I feel that kink in my back and shoulders from today and it snaps me back to reality. The heck would I do outnumbered? I'll just have to inhale some of Chloe tomorrow instead and be satisfied with that.